Monday, December 1, 2014
Computer Woes
A quick blurb. I need to talk about this.
I HATE DEALING WITH COMPUTERS!
This is why I didn't follow with continuing wireless when I went to college! I just spent three days trying to fix my Mac, which had decided to be so difficult updating the OS. Trying to update to the Yosemite OS X fucked up and before I realized it, I had lost the ability to get into my computer. Thinking that Time Machine had been doing its job, I opened it thinking that it had done its job and had a backup to my computer.
IT DIDN'T.
My only option to get out of the loop was to repartition the drive and try to install again through the internet. Yosemite wouldn't work no matter what and finally the the install from the internet noticed and changed to OS X Lion like I had originally when I first bought my Mac. Still didn't work. I looked up on my phone the Apple forums and saw what others were trying to do to fix the same problems and it all just came down to continuous restarts and hope that it would work eventually. I tried this for three days.
It took all day. Didn't help that I was also going through some problems with my bank at the same time, thinking that I wouldn't get back my money for the rent. I literally wanted to give up on life. Everything was going wrong. What a way to start the week,
Miraculously, the next thing I hear is my computer speaking with instructions on how to setup your Mac for the first time. Happy day! Right after that I got the money back in my band account and was able to pay my rent.
Hallelujah!
My Lord, today has to be one of the craziest up and downs that I have ever encounter. All in a matter of five hours!
OK I'm done.
I needed to say my complaint somewhere.
If you read this far: why? Leave a comment telling me cause this is more for me to rant than for people to read.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Every Damn Day
I know I don't update as often as I should, (more how people would like), but the problem lies in the simple fact that not much really goes on in my life. Maybe if I was back in school, I would probably be a little bit busier with college life and all of its spoils, but honestly when you come back home there isn't much to do.
I'm too used to my life in college. I miss it so much. Life back home is simply day to day, a bit boring if you ask me. The most exciting moment in my life is when someone has a birthday. People tend to actually want to do something other than work. If not for the daily cycle of life, I would be a lot more bored than I am.
Oh sure, I love seeing my family and I do (impossible though it is) enjoy hanging out with my (annoying) nephews, but it becomes pretty mundane really quick when it's all I can do. I'm limited by my many disabilities. Granted, I have it a lot better than some other cancer patients that I have seen around, but it's the small things that I have lost that really hit home.
Balance and strength are barely noticed by folks. The only people that really notice it are toddlers when they first begin to walk and move about. I literally feel the same way as a toddler. I can barely walk without some support, I have to someone always around me, just in case I happen to fall or get into something that I can't handle with my own strength, and I'm forced to eat things that are "good" for me even though I don't like it.
I'm 22, feels like I'm 2.
This seems to be something that a lot of people tend to forget when they take care of me. I understand and definitely know I need the help, but I'm an adult so treat me like one. I would rather be treated the same way you treat your frail grandma than your 2 year old child. Like, come on. I know I look fifteen but, I also have to deal with the fact that I am still in pediatrics, so relax. The nurses in Peds treat me as an adult, you can too. If anything, they're the ones that constantly remind that I'm an adult with the whole, "I need your parent's signature, oh wait, you can sign!" Ugh, my life.
It doesn't help that my brother is getting married and will become a stepfather to two teenaged girls, who happen to be either at my height at 11 and taller than me at 15. I got the short end of this stick, badump. My life is a big joke.
Although sometimes its not so bad getting treated like a kid. You get free stuff at the hospital all the time and the Child Life Service volunteers are always really nice, even though I can tell they are a bit shock when they come to my room and see on my chart that I'm not the fifteen year old they thought I was. It passes quickly and soon I'm getting all of the treats that the kids get: movies, iPad, board games, etc. It makes taking chemo go a lot quicker, as an alternative to just sleeping the whole time. I admit, I much rather get a stick to my finger like a diabetic, rather than a needle when it comes to getting my blood check. I've have enough needles so far.
With the problems I have with my eyes, it makes it hard for me to be able to drive and so I'm stuck being driven around. I know sometimes it's nice to not have to drive around, but eventually it gets on your nerves when you want to go somewhere, but you're limited to the availability of whoever can take you's schedule. Independence is non-existent in my life. I think toddlers have more independence than I do. When I was able to take the Lynx disability bus, it helped a lot, especially when it came to attending my appointments, but eventually it became an annoyance than helpful because it would arrive late to my house or even worse late to my appointment. Another problem with it, was the fact that it would have a route and sometimes my stops weren't the next ones to go to and I would end up on the bus for about an hour before returning home. How I longer for the ability to drive again. Eventually I had surgery done to my eyes and for one week I was able to drive myself around.
I had never felt more free.
But my left eye decided that it didn't like being straight and started turning in again. It didn't become as bad as it was before I had eye surgery, but it was enough of a tilt that it made it difficult to not see double even with the prism stickers that would try to fix my sight. I am due for one more surgery to the left eye to hopefully make it straight again, but no details are coming in besides the fact that they won't take my primary insurance. I know I'm trying to wait patiently cause it has before when I get too excited for something to go right for me and something wrong always happens. Life just has to spite me. So I'm waiting, patiently, my potential freedom can take its time, cause I don't want to lose it again. I want my eye to be fixed forever not temporary. Everything that is being affected needs to be permantly fixed, ain't nobody got time for this temporary shit.
When my ability to drive comes back to me, then I can say that I have beaten cancer. It seems so silly to base my progress on such a thing, but driving to me has always been a type of freedom/independence for me. I was late with getting my license in high school and super late when it came to owning my first car. I didn't get my car until my second semester in college. That dependence of relying on others to get my own things done was always a problem for me as I grew up. Especially for private things, I found it uncomfortable whenever I had to do things such as checking my bank account or even do groceries. Plus, public transportation can be a bit strange, not going to say anything bad about it cause it takes me where I need to go, but strange folks go on public transportation and they make the whole experience strange, I like the privacy of having my own car and ability to go wherever I want a lot more.
So I'll keep the hope and pray that everything works well and that I don't have to redo this experience again. I feel that I'm doing pretty well for having to go through this experience another time, but its scary not being able to stop the thought of this possibly reoccurring another time late in life. I have faith in my doctors and even though I wish to end treatment in time to go back and finish my degree this Spring, I feel that this will take another year and I will have to postpone my education until this is completely over. It sucks, but I rather be sure that I'm healed before continuing school.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Looks Like Clear Skies
Today there seems to be a lot of things going right for me. This is a blessing for once, cause things don't go bad, but they don't particularly go swell either. Life is a lot of hits and misses, more misses than hits. The few good hits that come I am not going to complain about though. Some people would get a great opportunity and then complain about how long it took to get there. Who cares? Its finally here. Ungratefuls.
I didn't wake up expecting anything great. Today was just a normal day of heading to the clinic to check my blood count. I had some plans for later in the day, my bed was finally coming in! I could finally sleep in my own room. I love my mother and she's not a bad sleeper, but I'm far too old to be sleeping with my mother and I have my own space now, its too cramped sharing it with her. We were together all the time last year when we had no place and were staying at the Ronald McDonald house, so I guess now that's why I really treasure my own space.
I had a lot of me moments today. The older brother had to get his own life situations settled today so I had no one to go with me to the clinic like I usually do. Also no one to drive me there either. First time experience driving to my own appointment, even the parking attendant noticed. I didn't realized I had a recognizable face. I guess after seeing my face for a year, she pretty much can pick it out in a crowd by now. It's amazing how there are some people who can't remember people's faces. It's the first thing I remember. I may not remember your name, but I definitely will remember seeing you somewhere. Especially if I've seen you more than once. I'm horrible with names. Figures, since my own people can't seem to get right. I don't know if its a spelling or pronunciation problem, but I personally think I spell my name the way that it's written. With a bit of a Spanish flare to it.
The doctor's visit went fine. I really wished someone else was there, just because I feel like I would have forgotten something the doctor would say and then screw myself over. I think I got everything, I wrote it down in my notes on my phone. (Thank you technology!) My biggest concern was making sure the paperwork for me to medically drop my summer course was found, since somehow the exchange of the papers made it disappear. I really hope it doesn't get rid of the one grade I received this summer. That was a well earned A- and I am not going to retake that class again. I can't believe I passed with that grade in the first place, considering I've had brain surgery and had to write a 8 page report for the class. Yeah, no, definitely not going to retake that course. Besides, that's also one less class to take in order to finish my degree. If I can make my time shorter, I will. I really want to get my degree. There's so much that I can do once I have it and my life is on this pause until I get it. It's sort of weird that cancer is only seen as like a pause button on my life and not like something that could end my life and everything that I've been building up for it. Nope. I don't see it like that at all.
Positivity~
My room is ready for action! I almost bought LEGO Lord of the Rings today, just because, but I didn't. 1) I had to get my nephew his birthday present (LEGO Star Wars) and 2) I rather put down for the preorder of Kingdom Hearts Remix 2.5. So excited for that game! Kingdom Hearts is my fandom when it comes to video games, as Harry Potter is my fandom when it comes to books. I love them so much. I will throw it down in either fandom and watch you burn with my knowledge. It's that serious. Judge. I don't care.
I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP!
With my bed finally in its rightful place in my room, I can finally get started on playing Watch Dogs. I've been hearing good things about the game and it better live up to the hype. I need to start working on my vibe for my room now. It needs just a little bit more...me. Heh.
Today was a very good day. Things are getting done and looks like my life is moving on forward, even though there is this bump in the road, I can roll over it. As I was taught when I was learning how to drive, you gotta watch out for the muertos on the road, but keep going.
I didn't wake up expecting anything great. Today was just a normal day of heading to the clinic to check my blood count. I had some plans for later in the day, my bed was finally coming in! I could finally sleep in my own room. I love my mother and she's not a bad sleeper, but I'm far too old to be sleeping with my mother and I have my own space now, its too cramped sharing it with her. We were together all the time last year when we had no place and were staying at the Ronald McDonald house, so I guess now that's why I really treasure my own space.
I had a lot of me moments today. The older brother had to get his own life situations settled today so I had no one to go with me to the clinic like I usually do. Also no one to drive me there either. First time experience driving to my own appointment, even the parking attendant noticed. I didn't realized I had a recognizable face. I guess after seeing my face for a year, she pretty much can pick it out in a crowd by now. It's amazing how there are some people who can't remember people's faces. It's the first thing I remember. I may not remember your name, but I definitely will remember seeing you somewhere. Especially if I've seen you more than once. I'm horrible with names. Figures, since my own people can't seem to get right. I don't know if its a spelling or pronunciation problem, but I personally think I spell my name the way that it's written. With a bit of a Spanish flare to it.
The doctor's visit went fine. I really wished someone else was there, just because I feel like I would have forgotten something the doctor would say and then screw myself over. I think I got everything, I wrote it down in my notes on my phone. (Thank you technology!) My biggest concern was making sure the paperwork for me to medically drop my summer course was found, since somehow the exchange of the papers made it disappear. I really hope it doesn't get rid of the one grade I received this summer. That was a well earned A- and I am not going to retake that class again. I can't believe I passed with that grade in the first place, considering I've had brain surgery and had to write a 8 page report for the class. Yeah, no, definitely not going to retake that course. Besides, that's also one less class to take in order to finish my degree. If I can make my time shorter, I will. I really want to get my degree. There's so much that I can do once I have it and my life is on this pause until I get it. It's sort of weird that cancer is only seen as like a pause button on my life and not like something that could end my life and everything that I've been building up for it. Nope. I don't see it like that at all.
Positivity~
My room is ready for action! I almost bought LEGO Lord of the Rings today, just because, but I didn't. 1) I had to get my nephew his birthday present (LEGO Star Wars) and 2) I rather put down for the preorder of Kingdom Hearts Remix 2.5. So excited for that game! Kingdom Hearts is my fandom when it comes to video games, as Harry Potter is my fandom when it comes to books. I love them so much. I will throw it down in either fandom and watch you burn with my knowledge. It's that serious. Judge. I don't care.
I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP!
With my bed finally in its rightful place in my room, I can finally get started on playing Watch Dogs. I've been hearing good things about the game and it better live up to the hype. I need to start working on my vibe for my room now. It needs just a little bit more...me. Heh.
Today was a very good day. Things are getting done and looks like my life is moving on forward, even though there is this bump in the road, I can roll over it. As I was taught when I was learning how to drive, you gotta watch out for the muertos on the road, but keep going.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Positivity is the Key
I feel a bit strange this time around.
I really don't know what to think of what I am going through this time. Is it because I have already gone through this before? Have I become immune to the chaotic life that comes with being a cancer patient? Maybe. A year could do that to a person.
I just feel like whatever. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. (Literally have the T-shirts.)
I guess I was expecting something different. There are some things. I can walk a whole lot better now than I could before which I am so thankful for. I'm not chained to stay in bed, I can actually walk around and act as if I wasn't a cancer patient getting chemo, not like I'm trying to catch something else by walking around a hospital, but this freedom is nice. Also helps that I got the hook up with the nurses. They already know my likes and dislikes and what I'm probably going to choose for how I want to do the treatment, its nice. Not just for me either. It helps them as well. I don't scream, cry, or yell, and I go to sleep and stay asleep every night. It's hard being a pediatric nurse, I feel for them.
Although I love being in pediatrics. The nurses are so kind and they have the Child Life services workers who are EXTREMELY nice people and bend over backwards to try to please all the children in the hospital. It sucks that these kids have to be in the hospital, but its nice that there are services for them to make it easier and they also help the parents which is another good thing. I take advantage of it. They know I'm older, but they let me use the same things as the children. I still feel like a kid at heart so I sometimes ask for board games, but I mainly use the iPad or watch their huge selection of movies. I feel so old when I see 90s movies, but its all good.
The chemo is going good so far. No pain. No nausea. No problem. There is that minor side effect of possible diarrhea, but I'm not having that problem so I say that the chemo is going good. I'm actually more concern for my eyes again. For those that don't remember, the brain tumor removal surgery left my eyes messed up. The left one turned in and then the right one followed suit a month later. I've had eye muscle surgery to both eyes, but now the left is starting to turn in once more. If I scrunch up my face or if the object is close, I can see regularly (singular) but otherwise I'm starting to see double again. Problem.
This regime of chemo I have a week of outpatient appointments, all of which are a day right after another, so I can't really be driving if my eyes are turned in. This is why I am more concerned with my eyes. Chemo is no biggie, its the other factors of my body that I take more concern with. My legs are still weak and I still have no balance so I'm basically still handicapped and that concerns me more than the cancer to be honest. I know there isn't much I can do with cancer besides hope it goes away, so that's probably why I don't concern myself with it too much. The doctors know more of what to do than I could ever imagine so I'm letting all the responsibility go to them. That's all I can do. Cancer is not a participatory disease that you can help out with. You just got to roll with the punches, and believe me there is a lot.
This is why I thank the Lord that I have the support that I do. Friends and family have all told me of their support and love and that's the best thing that I have to fight this cancer. If there was one thing I wasn't expecting when I received the news that I had cancer, it was all the support that I would obtain from my family and friends. It's not like I thought I had bad friends or anything like that, I just didn't realize how important I was to so many people and it gives me all of the warm and fuzzy feelings in the world.I love my friends to death and I don't regret how I got them. People would say that this is something that makes your true friends come out and all of my friends stepped up. I know I good friends and this is just proof. The people that I considered to be my friends, really are and this is a shit situation to question that, but I'm glad that they past the test. Sorry guys. Just know that I love our friendship and that I will forever be in their debt for all of their help and support. I know I don't say much about it, but I am so thankful to have the support group that I have.
Friends are important. My strength is and comes from my friends. People tell me that I'm strong, but really I feel like when people tell me I'm strong, that I'm strong. There's only so much, a person can do on their own. People are naturally social beings and we thrive in group settings, there is no "I" in team. So I want to say "Thank you". To all of my supporters, you guys are the best and don't ever change!
This ending is so lame, but I'm being honest here!
ALL OF THE WARM FUZZY FEELINGS!
I guess that's why this time feels different from the last. We're sort of all on the same page and it's not a punch in the face like the last time. We've been through this before, we know what to expect and we all are going to get through this. This time cancer is going to have no way of getting back.
Even though I am in a good mood, I know I am not in my ideal situation. This was not in my plans at all. When I was high school, no one said that the reason I wouldn't be finishing my school was not because of financial reasons, or even the fact that college would be too hard for me, but because of a disease (a CHILDHOOD) disease would put its big foot in the way of my dreams. Wish I had the forewarning. If everything had went the way it was planned to go down, I would be the first in my family to have a BA degree. That's pretty big. Still pretty big since I'm still on that path. I'm not going to give up on my dreams, I know that one day I will make the come true.
I can't forget my dreams. That would be too costly for me to let go. There are the only things I have to really strive for and without them, I honestly don't know what I would do, who I would even be?
That's why I don't get the people that are out there just doing nothing. Absolutely nothing is being done in their lives and they are OK with that. I can't. I don't see the point of it. What fun are they having? It's all party and games and I'm not saying that there is something wrong with those things. I party, I play games, I do the same thing, but in the end what are you going to do? There's a moment in life where you do settle down for what is destined for you, but you got to make the right choices to get there. I can't just sit around waiting for life. Life is out there and it's not going to wait for you, it's going to bite you in the ass and get you moving, and that won't necessarily be a in a good direction either.
Cancer has taught me that. Shit doesn't happen the way that you want to happen. Life has choices and you must choose whether you are going to let things go by or do something. I fall in the latter range. I already have my list. Somehow, some way that list is going to get done before I die (which is not happening anytime soon) and I'm going to be a old happy camper.
I'm ending this post on a good note. I'm in a good mood, (probably because I'm leaving the hospital today) and honestly I don't know what to write about today.
:)
I really don't know what to think of what I am going through this time. Is it because I have already gone through this before? Have I become immune to the chaotic life that comes with being a cancer patient? Maybe. A year could do that to a person.
I just feel like whatever. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. (Literally have the T-shirts.)
I guess I was expecting something different. There are some things. I can walk a whole lot better now than I could before which I am so thankful for. I'm not chained to stay in bed, I can actually walk around and act as if I wasn't a cancer patient getting chemo, not like I'm trying to catch something else by walking around a hospital, but this freedom is nice. Also helps that I got the hook up with the nurses. They already know my likes and dislikes and what I'm probably going to choose for how I want to do the treatment, its nice. Not just for me either. It helps them as well. I don't scream, cry, or yell, and I go to sleep and stay asleep every night. It's hard being a pediatric nurse, I feel for them.
Although I love being in pediatrics. The nurses are so kind and they have the Child Life services workers who are EXTREMELY nice people and bend over backwards to try to please all the children in the hospital. It sucks that these kids have to be in the hospital, but its nice that there are services for them to make it easier and they also help the parents which is another good thing. I take advantage of it. They know I'm older, but they let me use the same things as the children. I still feel like a kid at heart so I sometimes ask for board games, but I mainly use the iPad or watch their huge selection of movies. I feel so old when I see 90s movies, but its all good.
The chemo is going good so far. No pain. No nausea. No problem. There is that minor side effect of possible diarrhea, but I'm not having that problem so I say that the chemo is going good. I'm actually more concern for my eyes again. For those that don't remember, the brain tumor removal surgery left my eyes messed up. The left one turned in and then the right one followed suit a month later. I've had eye muscle surgery to both eyes, but now the left is starting to turn in once more. If I scrunch up my face or if the object is close, I can see regularly (singular) but otherwise I'm starting to see double again. Problem.
This regime of chemo I have a week of outpatient appointments, all of which are a day right after another, so I can't really be driving if my eyes are turned in. This is why I am more concerned with my eyes. Chemo is no biggie, its the other factors of my body that I take more concern with. My legs are still weak and I still have no balance so I'm basically still handicapped and that concerns me more than the cancer to be honest. I know there isn't much I can do with cancer besides hope it goes away, so that's probably why I don't concern myself with it too much. The doctors know more of what to do than I could ever imagine so I'm letting all the responsibility go to them. That's all I can do. Cancer is not a participatory disease that you can help out with. You just got to roll with the punches, and believe me there is a lot.
This is why I thank the Lord that I have the support that I do. Friends and family have all told me of their support and love and that's the best thing that I have to fight this cancer. If there was one thing I wasn't expecting when I received the news that I had cancer, it was all the support that I would obtain from my family and friends. It's not like I thought I had bad friends or anything like that, I just didn't realize how important I was to so many people and it gives me all of the warm and fuzzy feelings in the world.I love my friends to death and I don't regret how I got them. People would say that this is something that makes your true friends come out and all of my friends stepped up. I know I good friends and this is just proof. The people that I considered to be my friends, really are and this is a shit situation to question that, but I'm glad that they past the test. Sorry guys. Just know that I love our friendship and that I will forever be in their debt for all of their help and support. I know I don't say much about it, but I am so thankful to have the support group that I have.
Friends are important. My strength is and comes from my friends. People tell me that I'm strong, but really I feel like when people tell me I'm strong, that I'm strong. There's only so much, a person can do on their own. People are naturally social beings and we thrive in group settings, there is no "I" in team. So I want to say "Thank you". To all of my supporters, you guys are the best and don't ever change!
This ending is so lame, but I'm being honest here!
ALL OF THE WARM FUZZY FEELINGS!
I guess that's why this time feels different from the last. We're sort of all on the same page and it's not a punch in the face like the last time. We've been through this before, we know what to expect and we all are going to get through this. This time cancer is going to have no way of getting back.
Even though I am in a good mood, I know I am not in my ideal situation. This was not in my plans at all. When I was high school, no one said that the reason I wouldn't be finishing my school was not because of financial reasons, or even the fact that college would be too hard for me, but because of a disease (a CHILDHOOD) disease would put its big foot in the way of my dreams. Wish I had the forewarning. If everything had went the way it was planned to go down, I would be the first in my family to have a BA degree. That's pretty big. Still pretty big since I'm still on that path. I'm not going to give up on my dreams, I know that one day I will make the come true.
I can't forget my dreams. That would be too costly for me to let go. There are the only things I have to really strive for and without them, I honestly don't know what I would do, who I would even be?
That's why I don't get the people that are out there just doing nothing. Absolutely nothing is being done in their lives and they are OK with that. I can't. I don't see the point of it. What fun are they having? It's all party and games and I'm not saying that there is something wrong with those things. I party, I play games, I do the same thing, but in the end what are you going to do? There's a moment in life where you do settle down for what is destined for you, but you got to make the right choices to get there. I can't just sit around waiting for life. Life is out there and it's not going to wait for you, it's going to bite you in the ass and get you moving, and that won't necessarily be a in a good direction either.
Cancer has taught me that. Shit doesn't happen the way that you want to happen. Life has choices and you must choose whether you are going to let things go by or do something. I fall in the latter range. I already have my list. Somehow, some way that list is going to get done before I die (which is not happening anytime soon) and I'm going to be a old happy camper.
I'm ending this post on a good note. I'm in a good mood, (probably because I'm leaving the hospital today) and honestly I don't know what to write about today.
:)
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Its Back
I'm still in shock.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
I thought this was done. I thought I was making progress.
I don't know what I thought....
The cancer is back again. This time in my spinal cord. No chance of surgery there. I have maxed out on my radiation input so at least I don't have to go through that again.
I can't even process what is going on.
I literally was worrying over my classes and how I was missing a week and how this was going to affect my grades, only to now not even care.I went from missing a week to missing the rest of the summer in 5 hours flat.
Its ridiculous.
What should I even think?
Yay I got one class done before having to go back to treatment. The small help that does to me finishing my school year.
Oh my god! I really can't believe I am going through this right now!
Did I bring this upon myself?
Was I too positive? Nah. I'm always positive. I don't know. There has to be something.
Will it be easier?
Can I really get through this again?
I won't be alone. I never was alone.
And yet...
This time won't be the same.
I can promise you that.
This fucker is going to be done with when this is all over with and I know that whatever I have plan for the future is going to happen cause it's a motherfucking fact. Ain't nothing gonna stop me from achieving my dreams. If this is suppose to encourage me, to make me stronger, to show my strength then lets go. I'm tired of being Ms. hNice Guy anyways.Get ready motherfucker because you gon' die tonight. Fuck you Cancer
Fuck. You.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
I thought this was done. I thought I was making progress.
I don't know what I thought....
The cancer is back again. This time in my spinal cord. No chance of surgery there. I have maxed out on my radiation input so at least I don't have to go through that again.
I can't even process what is going on.
I literally was worrying over my classes and how I was missing a week and how this was going to affect my grades, only to now not even care.I went from missing a week to missing the rest of the summer in 5 hours flat.
Its ridiculous.
What should I even think?
Yay I got one class done before having to go back to treatment. The small help that does to me finishing my school year.
Oh my god! I really can't believe I am going through this right now!
Did I bring this upon myself?
Was I too positive? Nah. I'm always positive. I don't know. There has to be something.
Will it be easier?
Can I really get through this again?
I won't be alone. I never was alone.
And yet...
This time won't be the same.
I can promise you that.
This fucker is going to be done with when this is all over with and I know that whatever I have plan for the future is going to happen cause it's a motherfucking fact. Ain't nothing gonna stop me from achieving my dreams. If this is suppose to encourage me, to make me stronger, to show my strength then lets go. I'm tired of being Ms. hNice Guy anyways.Get ready motherfucker because you gon' die tonight. Fuck you Cancer
Fuck. You.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Beaten But Never Broken (raw/unedited)
I haven't written in a while. That's never any good. Especially for people like me that have way too much in their heads, full to the brim with thoughts, ideas, and hope.
Hope. Such a fickle thing.
It can light a fire in one's soul and squeeze the strength out of it the next. Hope is not something to mess around with. False hope is the worst. There's nothing as painful as it, because as human beings, we put so much of our faith in hope. Hope is a double-edge sword.
The world is full of people hoping and people who try to give hope. They try their best but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hope is a dream and sometimes the dreams don't come true. For if they did, than you must believe that all dreams come true and some of those dreams are quite nasty. We all have them, the dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night, gasping or even fighting to be free from the holdings of the dream. Those no one want to become true, but they are for some. The few who are going through a hellish nightmare within life know of this. This world is cruel.
But alas, there is one thing that helps us through. Something that we should never forget.
Faith.
Have faith. Don't have faith in dreams and hope, have faith in yourselves. You don't have to be religious to have faith. Its a basic thing we humans can achieve. Faith is very simple because there is really only one thing that you must always have faith in besides all else.
Yourself.
You. You are the one that is living in this world. You are the one that is going through the struggle of life. You are the one that take their faith to new heights, because you know what you are capable of and its what your believe of yourself that is going to help or harm you during times of struggle.
This may sound strange coming from me. Those that know me, know that I am not religious. However, I have always and still do, believe in God. That is as far as religious that I go. I don't need to lay my claim of my belief for everyone to see. The only one who it matters for is Him. He knows how much I believe in him. I don't need someone else to tell me what or how I should believe. People who are secure with their beliefs don't need to push themselves onto others.
I know that God made me into a strong person. I have faith in that thought and because I believe it to be true, I know that it is. My faith in myself is what keeps me from giving up. My dreams torment me and in a position like mine, it's hard not to dream. The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say and this hill is a bitch.
I try not to dream.
Dreams that fester in the mind always exceed reality and that's when hope starts to stir in your heart. Hope kills. Don't believe me? Ever wanted something so bad that when it doesn't comes it's like a knife is going through your heart and the age old question is always asked:
Why?
Why? Why do I hope and it does not happen? Why must I go through this? Why is this happening?
It's never good to ask. You won't get an answer, only a fact of life.
Life is shit and shit happens.
So, one must not ask why, they should take the shit and throw it right back in Life's face. People who believe in themselves can accomplish this. Those people who have "success'" in life and started from the very bottom of the barrel. Its not easy and it takes time, but you have to rely on yourself to make anything happen. You can hope for this or you can hope for that, but its when you believe in it, know that deep down inside you're not wishing for it. You already know that it is yours and you are going to do anything to make sure it stays that way.
That's where I find myself today. My last cycle of chemo has been delayed a week. I can't begin because the previous cycle of chemo have left my platelets in a shit state and they don't want to rise higher any time soon. So much I dreamed for has been wiped out of the picture at this stage. It was very hard to deal with the pain with knowing my hopes were to not become true.
It took me a while to be back to myself again. The sadness within me was quite strong. It felt as if the finish line was a step away, but every time I took a step forward it would retract, further and further away. Hope made think this way. Of the possibilities that come with the completion of things, but those will have to wait.
I know now that I have to stop dreaming of the end and actually believe that this is the end. Just like I'd always believed that I never had cancer after my surgery. It's out and it's not coming back. When this is done, I will wipe my hands clean of this and move on. This is what faith and belief in myself have helped to achieve.My last day of treatment will be the last of this part of my life that I have had to endure. It will shape my personality and soul a bit different, but I know that I will never go through this again. With faith and belief I fight and I will come out the victor.
I had cancer, but cancer never had me.
Hope. Such a fickle thing.
It can light a fire in one's soul and squeeze the strength out of it the next. Hope is not something to mess around with. False hope is the worst. There's nothing as painful as it, because as human beings, we put so much of our faith in hope. Hope is a double-edge sword.
The world is full of people hoping and people who try to give hope. They try their best but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hope is a dream and sometimes the dreams don't come true. For if they did, than you must believe that all dreams come true and some of those dreams are quite nasty. We all have them, the dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night, gasping or even fighting to be free from the holdings of the dream. Those no one want to become true, but they are for some. The few who are going through a hellish nightmare within life know of this. This world is cruel.
But alas, there is one thing that helps us through. Something that we should never forget.
Faith.
Have faith. Don't have faith in dreams and hope, have faith in yourselves. You don't have to be religious to have faith. Its a basic thing we humans can achieve. Faith is very simple because there is really only one thing that you must always have faith in besides all else.
Yourself.
You. You are the one that is living in this world. You are the one that is going through the struggle of life. You are the one that take their faith to new heights, because you know what you are capable of and its what your believe of yourself that is going to help or harm you during times of struggle.
This may sound strange coming from me. Those that know me, know that I am not religious. However, I have always and still do, believe in God. That is as far as religious that I go. I don't need to lay my claim of my belief for everyone to see. The only one who it matters for is Him. He knows how much I believe in him. I don't need someone else to tell me what or how I should believe. People who are secure with their beliefs don't need to push themselves onto others.
I know that God made me into a strong person. I have faith in that thought and because I believe it to be true, I know that it is. My faith in myself is what keeps me from giving up. My dreams torment me and in a position like mine, it's hard not to dream. The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say and this hill is a bitch.
I try not to dream.
Dreams that fester in the mind always exceed reality and that's when hope starts to stir in your heart. Hope kills. Don't believe me? Ever wanted something so bad that when it doesn't comes it's like a knife is going through your heart and the age old question is always asked:
Why?
Why? Why do I hope and it does not happen? Why must I go through this? Why is this happening?
It's never good to ask. You won't get an answer, only a fact of life.
Life is shit and shit happens.
So, one must not ask why, they should take the shit and throw it right back in Life's face. People who believe in themselves can accomplish this. Those people who have "success'" in life and started from the very bottom of the barrel. Its not easy and it takes time, but you have to rely on yourself to make anything happen. You can hope for this or you can hope for that, but its when you believe in it, know that deep down inside you're not wishing for it. You already know that it is yours and you are going to do anything to make sure it stays that way.
That's where I find myself today. My last cycle of chemo has been delayed a week. I can't begin because the previous cycle of chemo have left my platelets in a shit state and they don't want to rise higher any time soon. So much I dreamed for has been wiped out of the picture at this stage. It was very hard to deal with the pain with knowing my hopes were to not become true.
It took me a while to be back to myself again. The sadness within me was quite strong. It felt as if the finish line was a step away, but every time I took a step forward it would retract, further and further away. Hope made think this way. Of the possibilities that come with the completion of things, but those will have to wait.
I know now that I have to stop dreaming of the end and actually believe that this is the end. Just like I'd always believed that I never had cancer after my surgery. It's out and it's not coming back. When this is done, I will wipe my hands clean of this and move on. This is what faith and belief in myself have helped to achieve.My last day of treatment will be the last of this part of my life that I have had to endure. It will shape my personality and soul a bit different, but I know that I will never go through this again. With faith and belief I fight and I will come out the victor.
I had cancer, but cancer never had me.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
"I" Problems
ひさしぶり～
Long time no see!
Not much has been happening in my life recently and its actually a bit boring. I'm trying to get back on the road to going back to college and finishing up my degree. I'm three quarters of the way there!
A couple new things have been added to my life recently that are really helping out. I now go to physical and occupational therapy. Its been interesting to work out parts of my body that I never knew were important to my being able to walk. Never have I had such pain in my butt muscles, as I did two weeks ago. You don't realize it but your butt is a part of your leg and those muscles help with your walk. Also, I learned that the swinging of the hips that women tend to do is most often a show of weak hip muscles. Yeah, didn't know that one.
Occupational therapy is pretty easy for me and my therapists says I won't need much of it so I'll be done with it sooner than physical therapy. Since its so easy, I mainly spend the time talking about movies with my therapist Adam. We typically talk about the latest movie we have seen, which most of often than not is not the latest. movie. Adam and I have similar tastes in entertainment, so I barely notice the time go by when I work with him. The only time that sucks is when he makes me work the arm bike (a machine that feels like you're moving your arms in an above water strokes). My arms tired quickly with this machine so I don't enjoy it that much. I don't know whether I have gotten really weak or easily tired, but these workouts are helping me build my stamina. I'd do anything to quicken my recovery, but I'm not dumb and I know these things take time.
My walking on my own is growing and so is my balance. I often try to go to places without using my cane, but I still use it for long walks like at the mall or a outside plaza. I still stumble sometimes; my right foots tends to step inward sometimes and it trips me up. I try to walk a little slower when that happens so I can catch it before it happens. The one thing I still have to work on is going up and down hills. This is really important seeing as FSU is full of them and I know I won't feel completely normal until I can make this feat.Plus, my sister has a steep garage entrance. I no longer want to look ridiculous anymore running up to flatten floor of the garage before I fall in.
All of these new improvements in my life feel great. I just got to keep moving forward and soon this experience really will become just that: an experience. Although, the best part of my recovery, was my eye surgery.
After the first three surgeries, when I was finally conscious enough to be discharged from Shands Children Hospital in Gainesville, I noticed that my eyesight was not right. What had happened was simple. The brain controls the body and messing with it can also mess with other parts of the body. When they took out the tumor it affected two things: my legs and my eyes. My legs were a given, since the tumor/cancer is in the motor skills section of the brain so it is a typical symptom for my legs to be affected. My eyes however, were more because of the surgery.
It was annoying in the beginning, but since it was only my left eye at the time, I ignored it for the most part. Sadly it didn't stay in one eye. A month after being discharged, my right eye began to turn in as well. Now my eyesight became completely crossed, but I felt like I had only one eye. Even though both of them went in, my right eye went in in an angle that I could still turn my head and see straight on. My left eye was completely turned towards the right and I didn't really use it unless I was looking at my right.
This sucked.
Not only did it give my neck some strong pains from having it turned all the time, but I didn't like how I looked. It was physical reminder that something was wrong with me. I hated it. I constantly prayed to God for it to go away. It was embarrassing. Little kids always stare at me because of my bald head, but once they noticed my eyes, then they would really stare and it was hard to get their gaze away from me. I was a freak to them. I didn't care about my messed up walk, I didn't care that I'd lost my hair, but I did care about my look.
I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere.The way I looked with both eyes in was not one I wanted to show to anyone. But I couldn't hide forever. My 21st birthday was coming up and there was no way I was going to spend it in the house. We had gone to Sarasota, to the beaches and it was easy to hide my face with the sunglasses, but it was either sunglasses or glasses. I still wasn't able to walk well so I wore my glasses more. Thankfully, we didn't run into kids (they can't help but stare) and my mom's friends never looked at me weird for the way I looked. It was a start
The one thing I was nervous about was when my friends from Tallahassee came down to go to Disney with me. I didn't know what they would do. Stare? I didn't want that. I just wanted to semi-normal. If only my eyes weren't touched. I'm jealous of the people who get cancer and you wouldn't even know it if they hadn't said anything for they looked normal. Mind you, when I thought like this, I thought about the people who had it worse than me and quickly stopped thinking in that trek. But I had nothing to fear, my friends acted the same way that they always did around me and if I looked weird they didn't show it. I had a lot of fun in Disney with them and I wore an eye-patch to make my steering of my scooter easier. I felt pretty normal with them that day and I will always cherish it when I think back on this experience.
Things started becoming better after that. Three months had passed since I last saw my eye doctor and he had decided to try a recently new technique to help adults with strabismus (crossed-eyes). Botox. Botox helps freeze wherever it is injected and eye doctors were using it to freeze the muscle pulling the eyes in and letter the other muscle pull it out/straight. My doctor felt that it was time to try this out before he would consider giving me eye surgery.
It was a semi-success. My right eye in a couple of days practically became straight again! However, the left eye remained stubborn and only went out a little bit from its position of facing in. I was a bit upset, but at least I had one eye normal so I didn't feel so weird anymore and it also relaxed the strain on my neck seeing as I could look forward again. I would simply ignore my left eye's images, or close it if I couldn't. I still didn't wear my eye -patch because honestly you look more weird with it.
But this was short-lived, before leaving to Puerto Rico, I had a tooth infection and the swelling was so bad that it pushed the small amount movement that my left eye made outward back in. The right eye even went back in, but not completely like before. It seemed I wouldn't be able to go with my eyes straight. When I came back I went to my eye doctor and he agreed that the swelling must've moved in my left eye. My eye muscles are still in shock from the surgery and they are not really going back to normal. When I look to the right, my right eye tries to look, but it is pulled to the left and so my eye moves back and forth. My left would stay where it was bur make slight movement to the right. When I look to left, my right eye does the same that my left eye would do looking right, but my left eye would try looking to right instead.
My doctor determined that in the end he would have to go ahead and do the eye surgery. Funnily enough this was three months after my Botox injections and so the Botox already was worn off so this was a perfect opportunity to do the surgery.
I was excited. Finally! Finally I could have my eyes back! My happiness was dampened down a bit when he told me he would work on the left eye first. It made sense since it was the eye that I had the most trouble with since the beginning, Eye muscle surgery is simple: they move your top and bottom muscle to the side to move the eye towards the center. Working on one eye also lessen the chance of him over-shooting the placement of my eye. There was still a possibility of doing the right eye since it was a smaller adjustment than the left, but my doctor likes to wait out surgeries (three months!)
It took forever for my surgery to come. We made the appointments in September and I was set to go through with the procedure on the 27th only for it to be pushed back. My blood doesn't want to cooperate and my counts were too low, so the surgeons pushed back my date to October 4th. I didn't like it, but I knew they wouldn't do the surgery unless I lifted them up.
Its very hard raising your blood levels. There isn't any set way to do it. I just do what my mother tells me, as some of you know, Hispanics have many 'home remedies' for all sorts of things. To bring up my hemoglobin, I drink either Chlorophyll, or Malt extract. To raise my white blood cells I took four more injections of my medicine (Neupogen). To raise my platelets...I had nothing. Platelets help stop your blood flow in a cut and turn it to a scab. This out of all of my counts was extremely important for my surgery. But I had no idea on how to get it up!
As it happens, my father's cousin in New York had breast cancer two years ago and suggested a juice that she used to drink for the same reason. It had one apple, one beet, and two carrots. Thankfully my mother had a juicer, so it was easy to make, my thoughts? Not bad, but I put a lot of sugar in it cause it has no flavor. A faint carrot taste, but really no flavor.
Did it work? Not really.
The day before my surgery when they checked my blood, everything went up, besides my hemoglobin. Damn. So close. I dislike blood transfusions. They're long and boring and a waste of time (I know they're not). Hospital televisions don't have much channels that are entertaining, least of all a Christian hospital. Its full of church channels and the only good channels are: Food Network, Animal Planet and Ion. Not much. But I did the transfusion and then bid my goodbyes. Tomorrow I had a live changing surgery to go to.
Of course the operation was ridiculous early in the morning. I awoke at around five in the morning for a seven am appointment. The surgery center is about 45 minutes away from my home. I tried taking pictures of my 'before' look, but it was before sunrise and I didn't get any good ones in the car.
My nurses were really nice, but that might had to do with that I am still in the pediatric side of medicine and so those nurses pretty much have to be nice, even with rowdy patients. I remember when I got stitches to my leg when I was a kid, kicking and screaming in pain (although I don't remember pain) and I still received a lollipop for being a 'good patient'. Yeah. Right.
Right before they gave me that damn 'relax' medicine that it puts me right to sleep, I suggested to my doctor to instead of possibly doing the surgery to my right eye to give it Botox since it worked so well last time and he was going to wait three months anyway. Next thing I know, I'm being dressed in my regular clothes and in the process of being manhandled by my mother to get me out of the bed to her car. Everything is a bit of a daze from here, I just remember my mother stopping at stores and me wanting to just go home. She says that went to the bathroom at some point and I argued with her, but I don't remember that.
I slept on the couch the moment I laid my head on it. It wasn't until hours later that I took a look at my left eye. It was so swollen! Very red! I look like someone punched my eye. But there's one thing I do take note of. My eye was straight! Even though everything around it was red, I could tell that my eye was straight. The next day was proof. The swelling went down a bit and I could see my eye better. The right eye looked the same, but my left was definitely straight. I couldn't believe it. Yeah, it looked like I had a zombie eye, but my recovery was looking up! In a couple of days my right eye will go out and I would have my eyes back to normal.
Its bit weird even now three days after the surgery to look at things. Before my left eye would show an image on the right side of me crossing with the image in front of me coming from my right eye. Now depending how far away the subject is determines if I see it double or single. My dog is finally shown singular to me and things as far as an arms length reach. Anything past that is a bit double. It doesn't matter to me. Things being double cause they were next to each other is better than because they happened to show in different spots that were far apart. Its amazing to see one hand, making it easier to paint my nails. My crossed eyes never stopped me from doing something, but I have to admit things are easier to see with them straight. I don't feel half blind anymore. I have my left side peripherals back! Soon enough there will be nothing holding me back from going back to my life. My right eye will eventually fix itself or get fixed, my legs will take my weight again and gain balance and the best thing of all, the one thing that will give me back my independence:
I will drive yet again!
Long time no see!
Not much has been happening in my life recently and its actually a bit boring. I'm trying to get back on the road to going back to college and finishing up my degree. I'm three quarters of the way there!
A couple new things have been added to my life recently that are really helping out. I now go to physical and occupational therapy. Its been interesting to work out parts of my body that I never knew were important to my being able to walk. Never have I had such pain in my butt muscles, as I did two weeks ago. You don't realize it but your butt is a part of your leg and those muscles help with your walk. Also, I learned that the swinging of the hips that women tend to do is most often a show of weak hip muscles. Yeah, didn't know that one.
Occupational therapy is pretty easy for me and my therapists says I won't need much of it so I'll be done with it sooner than physical therapy. Since its so easy, I mainly spend the time talking about movies with my therapist Adam. We typically talk about the latest movie we have seen, which most of often than not is not the latest. movie. Adam and I have similar tastes in entertainment, so I barely notice the time go by when I work with him. The only time that sucks is when he makes me work the arm bike (a machine that feels like you're moving your arms in an above water strokes). My arms tired quickly with this machine so I don't enjoy it that much. I don't know whether I have gotten really weak or easily tired, but these workouts are helping me build my stamina. I'd do anything to quicken my recovery, but I'm not dumb and I know these things take time.
My walking on my own is growing and so is my balance. I often try to go to places without using my cane, but I still use it for long walks like at the mall or a outside plaza. I still stumble sometimes; my right foots tends to step inward sometimes and it trips me up. I try to walk a little slower when that happens so I can catch it before it happens. The one thing I still have to work on is going up and down hills. This is really important seeing as FSU is full of them and I know I won't feel completely normal until I can make this feat.Plus, my sister has a steep garage entrance. I no longer want to look ridiculous anymore running up to flatten floor of the garage before I fall in.
All of these new improvements in my life feel great. I just got to keep moving forward and soon this experience really will become just that: an experience. Although, the best part of my recovery, was my eye surgery.
After the first three surgeries, when I was finally conscious enough to be discharged from Shands Children Hospital in Gainesville, I noticed that my eyesight was not right. What had happened was simple. The brain controls the body and messing with it can also mess with other parts of the body. When they took out the tumor it affected two things: my legs and my eyes. My legs were a given, since the tumor/cancer is in the motor skills section of the brain so it is a typical symptom for my legs to be affected. My eyes however, were more because of the surgery.
It was annoying in the beginning, but since it was only my left eye at the time, I ignored it for the most part. Sadly it didn't stay in one eye. A month after being discharged, my right eye began to turn in as well. Now my eyesight became completely crossed, but I felt like I had only one eye. Even though both of them went in, my right eye went in in an angle that I could still turn my head and see straight on. My left eye was completely turned towards the right and I didn't really use it unless I was looking at my right.
This sucked.
Not only did it give my neck some strong pains from having it turned all the time, but I didn't like how I looked. It was physical reminder that something was wrong with me. I hated it. I constantly prayed to God for it to go away. It was embarrassing. Little kids always stare at me because of my bald head, but once they noticed my eyes, then they would really stare and it was hard to get their gaze away from me. I was a freak to them. I didn't care about my messed up walk, I didn't care that I'd lost my hair, but I did care about my look.
I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere.The way I looked with both eyes in was not one I wanted to show to anyone. But I couldn't hide forever. My 21st birthday was coming up and there was no way I was going to spend it in the house. We had gone to Sarasota, to the beaches and it was easy to hide my face with the sunglasses, but it was either sunglasses or glasses. I still wasn't able to walk well so I wore my glasses more. Thankfully, we didn't run into kids (they can't help but stare) and my mom's friends never looked at me weird for the way I looked. It was a start
The one thing I was nervous about was when my friends from Tallahassee came down to go to Disney with me. I didn't know what they would do. Stare? I didn't want that. I just wanted to semi-normal. If only my eyes weren't touched. I'm jealous of the people who get cancer and you wouldn't even know it if they hadn't said anything for they looked normal. Mind you, when I thought like this, I thought about the people who had it worse than me and quickly stopped thinking in that trek. But I had nothing to fear, my friends acted the same way that they always did around me and if I looked weird they didn't show it. I had a lot of fun in Disney with them and I wore an eye-patch to make my steering of my scooter easier. I felt pretty normal with them that day and I will always cherish it when I think back on this experience.
Things started becoming better after that. Three months had passed since I last saw my eye doctor and he had decided to try a recently new technique to help adults with strabismus (crossed-eyes). Botox. Botox helps freeze wherever it is injected and eye doctors were using it to freeze the muscle pulling the eyes in and letter the other muscle pull it out/straight. My doctor felt that it was time to try this out before he would consider giving me eye surgery.
It was a semi-success. My right eye in a couple of days practically became straight again! However, the left eye remained stubborn and only went out a little bit from its position of facing in. I was a bit upset, but at least I had one eye normal so I didn't feel so weird anymore and it also relaxed the strain on my neck seeing as I could look forward again. I would simply ignore my left eye's images, or close it if I couldn't. I still didn't wear my eye -patch because honestly you look more weird with it.
But this was short-lived, before leaving to Puerto Rico, I had a tooth infection and the swelling was so bad that it pushed the small amount movement that my left eye made outward back in. The right eye even went back in, but not completely like before. It seemed I wouldn't be able to go with my eyes straight. When I came back I went to my eye doctor and he agreed that the swelling must've moved in my left eye. My eye muscles are still in shock from the surgery and they are not really going back to normal. When I look to the right, my right eye tries to look, but it is pulled to the left and so my eye moves back and forth. My left would stay where it was bur make slight movement to the right. When I look to left, my right eye does the same that my left eye would do looking right, but my left eye would try looking to right instead.
My doctor determined that in the end he would have to go ahead and do the eye surgery. Funnily enough this was three months after my Botox injections and so the Botox already was worn off so this was a perfect opportunity to do the surgery.
I was excited. Finally! Finally I could have my eyes back! My happiness was dampened down a bit when he told me he would work on the left eye first. It made sense since it was the eye that I had the most trouble with since the beginning, Eye muscle surgery is simple: they move your top and bottom muscle to the side to move the eye towards the center. Working on one eye also lessen the chance of him over-shooting the placement of my eye. There was still a possibility of doing the right eye since it was a smaller adjustment than the left, but my doctor likes to wait out surgeries (three months!)
It took forever for my surgery to come. We made the appointments in September and I was set to go through with the procedure on the 27th only for it to be pushed back. My blood doesn't want to cooperate and my counts were too low, so the surgeons pushed back my date to October 4th. I didn't like it, but I knew they wouldn't do the surgery unless I lifted them up.
Its very hard raising your blood levels. There isn't any set way to do it. I just do what my mother tells me, as some of you know, Hispanics have many 'home remedies' for all sorts of things. To bring up my hemoglobin, I drink either Chlorophyll, or Malt extract. To raise my white blood cells I took four more injections of my medicine (Neupogen). To raise my platelets...I had nothing. Platelets help stop your blood flow in a cut and turn it to a scab. This out of all of my counts was extremely important for my surgery. But I had no idea on how to get it up!
As it happens, my father's cousin in New York had breast cancer two years ago and suggested a juice that she used to drink for the same reason. It had one apple, one beet, and two carrots. Thankfully my mother had a juicer, so it was easy to make, my thoughts? Not bad, but I put a lot of sugar in it cause it has no flavor. A faint carrot taste, but really no flavor.
Did it work? Not really.
The day before my surgery when they checked my blood, everything went up, besides my hemoglobin. Damn. So close. I dislike blood transfusions. They're long and boring and a waste of time (I know they're not). Hospital televisions don't have much channels that are entertaining, least of all a Christian hospital. Its full of church channels and the only good channels are: Food Network, Animal Planet and Ion. Not much. But I did the transfusion and then bid my goodbyes. Tomorrow I had a live changing surgery to go to.
Of course the operation was ridiculous early in the morning. I awoke at around five in the morning for a seven am appointment. The surgery center is about 45 minutes away from my home. I tried taking pictures of my 'before' look, but it was before sunrise and I didn't get any good ones in the car.
My nurses were really nice, but that might had to do with that I am still in the pediatric side of medicine and so those nurses pretty much have to be nice, even with rowdy patients. I remember when I got stitches to my leg when I was a kid, kicking and screaming in pain (although I don't remember pain) and I still received a lollipop for being a 'good patient'. Yeah. Right.
Right before they gave me that damn 'relax' medicine that it puts me right to sleep, I suggested to my doctor to instead of possibly doing the surgery to my right eye to give it Botox since it worked so well last time and he was going to wait three months anyway. Next thing I know, I'm being dressed in my regular clothes and in the process of being manhandled by my mother to get me out of the bed to her car. Everything is a bit of a daze from here, I just remember my mother stopping at stores and me wanting to just go home. She says that went to the bathroom at some point and I argued with her, but I don't remember that.
I slept on the couch the moment I laid my head on it. It wasn't until hours later that I took a look at my left eye. It was so swollen! Very red! I look like someone punched my eye. But there's one thing I do take note of. My eye was straight! Even though everything around it was red, I could tell that my eye was straight. The next day was proof. The swelling went down a bit and I could see my eye better. The right eye looked the same, but my left was definitely straight. I couldn't believe it. Yeah, it looked like I had a zombie eye, but my recovery was looking up! In a couple of days my right eye will go out and I would have my eyes back to normal.
Its bit weird even now three days after the surgery to look at things. Before my left eye would show an image on the right side of me crossing with the image in front of me coming from my right eye. Now depending how far away the subject is determines if I see it double or single. My dog is finally shown singular to me and things as far as an arms length reach. Anything past that is a bit double. It doesn't matter to me. Things being double cause they were next to each other is better than because they happened to show in different spots that were far apart. Its amazing to see one hand, making it easier to paint my nails. My crossed eyes never stopped me from doing something, but I have to admit things are easier to see with them straight. I don't feel half blind anymore. I have my left side peripherals back! Soon enough there will be nothing holding me back from going back to my life. My right eye will eventually fix itself or get fixed, my legs will take my weight again and gain balance and the best thing of all, the one thing that will give me back my independence:
I will drive yet again!
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