Positivity is the Key

I feel a bit strange this time around.

I really don't know what to think of what I am going through this time. Is it because I have already gone through this before? Have I become immune to the chaotic life that comes with being a cancer patient? Maybe. A year could do that to a person.

I just feel like whatever. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. (Literally have the T-shirts.)

I guess I was expecting something different. There are some things. I can walk a whole lot better now than I could before which I am so thankful for. I'm not chained to stay in bed, I can actually walk around and act as if I wasn't a cancer patient getting chemo, not like I'm trying to catch something else by walking around a hospital, but this freedom is nice. Also helps that I got the hook up with the nurses. They already know my likes and dislikes and what I'm probably going to choose for how I want to do the treatment, its nice. Not just for me either. It helps them as well. I don't scream, cry, or yell, and I go to sleep and stay asleep every night. It's hard being a pediatric nurse, I feel for them.

Although I love being in pediatrics. The nurses are so kind and they have the Child Life services workers who are EXTREMELY nice people and bend over backwards to try to please all the children in the hospital. It sucks that these kids have to be in the hospital, but its nice that there are services for them to make it easier and they also help the parents which is another good thing. I take advantage of it. They know I'm older, but they let me use the same things as the children. I still feel like a kid at heart so I sometimes ask for board games, but I mainly use the iPad or watch their huge selection of movies. I feel so old when I see 90s movies, but its all good.

The chemo is going good so far. No pain. No nausea. No problem. There is that minor side effect of possible diarrhea, but I'm not having that problem so I say that the chemo is going good. I'm actually more concern for my eyes again. For those that don't remember, the brain tumor removal surgery left my eyes messed up. The left one turned in and then the right one followed suit a month later. I've had eye muscle surgery to both eyes, but now the left is starting to turn in once more. If I scrunch up my face or if the object is close, I can see regularly (singular) but otherwise I'm starting to see double again. Problem.

This regime of chemo I have a week of outpatient appointments, all of which are a day right after another, so I can't really be driving if my eyes are turned in. This is why I am more concerned with my eyes. Chemo is no biggie, its the other factors of my body that I take more concern with. My legs are still weak and I still have no balance so I'm basically still handicapped and that concerns me more than the cancer to be honest. I know there isn't much I can do with cancer besides hope it goes away, so that's probably why I don't concern myself with it too much. The doctors know more of what to do than I could ever imagine so I'm letting all the responsibility go to them. That's all I can do. Cancer is not a participatory disease that you can help out with. You just got to roll with the punches, and believe me there is a lot.

This is why I thank the Lord that I have the support that I do. Friends and family have all told me of their support and love and that's the best thing that I have to fight this cancer. If there was one thing I wasn't expecting when I received the news that I had cancer, it was all the support that I would obtain from my family and friends. It's not like I thought I had bad friends or anything like that, I just didn't realize how important I was to so many people and it gives me all of the warm and fuzzy feelings in the world.I love my friends to death and I don't regret how I got them. People would say that this is something that makes your true friends come out and all of my friends stepped up. I know I good friends and this is just proof. The people that I considered to be my friends, really are and this is a shit situation to question that, but I'm glad that they past the test. Sorry guys. Just know that I love our friendship and that I will forever be in their debt for all of their help and support. I know I don't say much about it, but I am so thankful to have the support group that I have.

Friends are important. My strength is and comes from my friends. People tell me that I'm strong, but really I feel like when people tell me I'm strong, that I'm strong. There's only so much, a person can do on their own. People are naturally social beings and we thrive in group settings, there is no "I" in team. So I want to say "Thank you". To all of my supporters, you guys are the best and don't ever change!

This ending is so lame, but I'm being honest here!

ALL OF THE WARM FUZZY FEELINGS!

I guess that's why this time feels different from the last. We're sort of all on the same page and it's not a punch in the face like the last time. We've been through this before, we know what to expect and we all are going to get through this. This time cancer is going to have no way of getting back.

Even though I am in a good mood, I know I am not in my ideal situation. This was not in my plans at all. When I was high school, no one said that the reason I wouldn't be finishing my school was not because of financial reasons, or even the fact that college would be too hard for me, but because of a disease (a CHILDHOOD) disease would put its big foot in the way of my dreams. Wish I had the forewarning. If everything had went the way it was planned to go down, I would be the first in my family to have a BA degree. That's pretty big. Still pretty big since I'm still on that path. I'm not going to give up on my dreams, I know that one day I will make the come true.

I can't forget my dreams. That would be too costly for me to let go. There are the only things I have to really strive for and without them, I honestly don't know what I would do, who I would even be?

That's why I don't get the people that are out there just doing nothing. Absolutely nothing is being done in their lives and they are OK with that. I can't. I don't see the point of it. What fun are they having? It's all party and games and I'm not saying that there is something wrong with those things. I party, I play games, I do the same thing, but in the end what are you going to do? There's a moment in life where you do settle down for what is destined for you, but you got to make the right choices to get there. I can't just sit around waiting for life. Life is out there and it's not going to wait for you, it's going to bite you in the ass and get you moving, and that won't necessarily be a in a good direction either.

Cancer has taught me that. Shit doesn't happen the way that you want to happen. Life has choices and you must choose whether you are going to let things go by or do something. I fall in the latter range. I already have my list. Somehow, some way that list is going to get done before I die (which is not happening anytime soon) and I'm going to be a old happy camper.

I'm ending this post on a good note. I'm in a good mood, (probably because I'm leaving the hospital today) and honestly I don't know what to write about today.

:)

Its Back

I'm still in shock.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I thought this was done. I thought I was making progress.

I don't know what I thought....

The cancer is back again. This time in my spinal cord. No chance of surgery there. I have maxed out on my radiation input so at least I don't have to go through that again.

I can't even process what is going on.

I literally was worrying over my classes and how I was missing a week and how this was going to affect my grades, only to now not even care.I went from missing a week to missing the rest of the summer in 5 hours flat.

Its ridiculous.

What should I even think?

Yay I got one class done before having to go back to treatment. The small help that does to me finishing my school year.

Oh my god! I really can't believe I am going through this right now!

Did I bring this upon myself?

Was I too positive? Nah. I'm always positive. I don't know. There has to be something.

Will it be easier?

Can I really get through this again?

I won't be alone. I never was alone.

And yet...

This time won't be the same.

I can promise you that.

This fucker is going to be done with when this is all over with and I know that whatever I have plan for the future is going to happen cause it's a motherfucking fact. Ain't nothing gonna stop me from achieving my dreams. If this is suppose to encourage me, to make me stronger, to show my strength then lets go. I'm tired of being Ms. hNice Guy anyways.Get ready motherfucker because you gon' die tonight.  Fuck you Cancer

Fuck. You.

Only one way to go: UP

When we were living in the Ronald McDonald house, I had always hoped to leave the temporary home into a permanent one. It didn't quite work out that way, but close enough.

We spent a weekend staying at a hotel after we had left. This first one was the worst. It looked like just a typical hotel that seemed pretty cheap and wasn't any type of name brand. I had to use the elevator, for this was when I was still weak in the legs and I couldn't really handle stairs, but I never wished so hard for strength in my legs. The elevator was filthy. I don't know how this hotel could hide how disgusting it was. From outside appearances it looked a bit rundown, local, but bigger than a motel. It was an open hotel, no hallways. I washed my hands every time I make it to our room. Mind you, the room wasn't dirty per se, but there's a lingering filth in the air. Even the shower had that filth in the air feeling, even though it should be the cleanest of rooms.

But there was nothing to it. My mother hadn't been working for three months at this point and wasn't receiving pay. She had a couple of weeks before having to return back to work, which was why we were looking so far. My mother was not going to leave me in a hotel by myself especially in the state that I was in at this point. The only thing that made it better while we were looking for a home was the fact that at least we had a roof over our heads, a place to sleep, and a place to shower.

We spent the weekend there just looking for a place. In Kissimmee, a lot of people still just post the 'For Rent' side in their front yard instead of posting them on a site, like Craigslist. So, there was a lot of driving around. We made calls, but nothing ever worked out. It wasn't until we drove around in an area called 'Little Puerto Rico' that we made some progress. This place is called 'Little Puerto Rico' for the sheer amount of Puerto Ricans that live in this area. Some call it a ghetto, but its really just an old suburban neighborhood with a lot of riff raff that are still in school.

It was in this area that we saw a lot of signs, but when we called the rent was too much or they were checking for good credit which my mother didn't have. Like majority of the people in this economy, I always thought it was ridiculous requirement since no one has good credit. Then we called a house and they decided to just let us check out the house first before saying their requirements. This was okay, because we had already drove passed the house earlier and had an idea of what the house could look like. This house also happened to be a recommendation given to us by my mother's friends who also lived in the area. We went to the house and found out it was empty and ready to move-in. The house was a two bedroom, kitchen, living room, and one bathroom. It had a garage that half had been turned into a room and the other was still a garage, but smaller. The yard was extremely large, it used to house three trees. They cut down the two big ones and left the small orange tree. The porch had recently gotten a wooden roof put over the sliding doors entrance. the house was small, but bigger than any apartment we could have gotten. It also had a driveway that two cars could fit and its own mailbox. A regular old suburban household.

My mother fell in love with it. It was perfect for just the two of us. The owners were nice old folk who were both in retirement. The home belonged to the husband's, Bill's, parents before they died and passed it down to him. They had no need for the house and had been renting it to their son while he was attending college.

We told them of our situation of course. They sympathized, but really no one can understand what you are going through, unless they have been through it themselves. I don't know if it was because of our situation knowing we didn't have a lot of cash on hand or they just didn't care, but they were willing to let us bring my dog to the house with no pet deposit needed. We also had no application fee or credit check. All my mother needed was to have two good references. Overall, it was a good meet up and we were hopeful to get the house when we left.

The next day was my first appointment with my eye doctor. As you know, the surgeries had made my left eye turn in with my right following a couple days later. It was time to see what was in store for my eyes. Since my appointment was 45 minutes away and on a Monday, we left Sunday morning from that horrible hotel and made our way closer to the site. At the Denny's here there are a lot of coupon books of different things and when we left I grabbed one that had discounted hotel prices. I was lucky to find one next to where were going for really cheap at the Howard Johnson. Finally a decent hotel to stay in. One our way up, we received a call from my mom's boss. She was informing us that she had received a call from Bill, one of the owners of the house. Ten minutes later we got a call.

We got the house!

We were so excited! Finally! We finally had our own place!The next day (after my appointment0 we went to the house and gave the landlord the deposit and rent for the upcoming month. He knew we had no place to stay so he let us move in that day. Not that we had anything to move in at this moment. We simply went to the Wal-Mart nearby and bought an air mattress. That first night we slept on the floor, on our air mattress, together, in our empty living room (house). It was better than they shitty hotel.

The following days felt fast-forwarded, but full of the beginning of better days. We picked up my dog from my sister's place and slowly the rooms were filled with furniture. The spare room that used to be a garage, was made into an extra living room for me, where my computer, PS3, PS2, Wii, and Xbox360 live.Majority of appliances and furniture in my house is brand new. We were beginning all over from the bottom. The money we were expecting from my mother's cancer insurance she had for us (in case of anything) came in after we got the house, and what perfect timing. We received enough to buy the living room furniture and decorations. Some was spared for us to relax and let down our hairs (figuratively speaking on my part) by going to a popular dinner and show my mother never had the opportunity to go to. It only felt right to enjoy ourselves after dealing with the past six weeks.

My life was starting to come around. Things were going well, but it seemed it wouldn't last.

My first day of chemo was coming up.

The Ronald McDonald House

It was a week of waking up extremely early so that my mother could get ready and then to get me ready as well (since I had no strength at this time), before we found a solution. A nurse mentioned to my mother to try staying in the Ronald McDonald house when I was in the hospital. 

The Ronald McDonald houses, are the houses that they ask for donations in front of the cashiers at McDonald's. I never really put much thought into the connection between McDonald's and the houses but these houses are a godsend. They are full of the nicest people that always there and open to helping you out and making your need to go to the hospital all the time a pleasant one. 

My mother and I stayed at Ronald McDonald house for about two months. They give you a room that has its own bathroom and TV. Sometimes we would just stay in the room all day watching TV. It was very useful in helping me recover. I was able to walk around the room, the floor we were on, lay in the living room that they had for the floor and even just chill on the porch in some wooden rocking chairs. I really loved my stay there and I'm very grateful that we got to stay there during my time with radiation. 

The Ronald McDonald house is only a 2 min walk to the hospital. This made it very affordable and easy for my mother to just push my wheelchair to the cancer institute instead of spending so much gas to get to my appointments. Especially since I had radiation Monday through Friday, every day of the week. To me, the best thing was being able to go straight to sleep on a comfortable bed right after my sessions instead of dozing in a uncomfortable car for a while before getting home. 

One of the best things, that my mother and I found, was that at 6PM every evening (besides weekends) there was always a volunteer group or organization that would donate dinner to the guests. Free food! Mind you, it was typically always spaghetti and meatballs, but it was free no less. Sometimes if you were lucky (and awake) you could even score some breakfast. We bought snacks for the times that they didn't provide food, but all the guests would share whatever they made with the whole house. 

It was really nice. You could forget that you were there because of something at the hospital. Majority of the folks staying at the Ronald McDonald house were from out of town, who had a baby staying at Florida Hospital because of a special condition or because it was born maximum 6 months prematurely. We met a mother who had been staying at the house for 4 months before we got there. Her baby was born 4 months prematurely and had to remain in the hospital until she was fit to leave. She left two days before we did. 

The staff also love to help you better your time there by offering free stuff. I went to Seaworld with my mother, nephews, sister, and my sister's mother-in-law for free. I also got to go to an Orlando Magic basketball game, twice. The first time with just my mother and the second with my father. My father is a big Magic, (even though they suck) and he really enjoyed watching the game. They lost both times I went, but the fact that I was at the game for free made my night. 

The supremely best thing about the Ronald McDonald house is that its essentially free to stay! Yes, they would prefer if you could make at least a $15 donation per every day that you stay, which is paid when you leave, but they understand that most families can't afford it and they take any donation that you can offer. Most of the time this being nothing. But its all good! They totally understand and they don't treat you any differently. 

The Ronald McDonald house was the first place that I started walking without my wheelchair. It was also the first place that I shaved my head. I had already cut my hair short because the place where one of the surgeries was perform was cut close to my head, so I tried making it even. This time it was because my hair was starting to fall out. At first I would wake up with hair all over my pillow which bothered my nose. So I cut it really short. It was similar to Halle Berry. Then one day I went to wash my hair and when I pulled my hand back to wash off the shampoo, it was filled with hair. At this I just told my mom to shave it all off. It was just easier to have no hair. I get easily disgusted by hair in the bath and it bothers me when hair is on my face. To not deal with this anymore I decided to just get rid of it completely. 

It didn't bother me to not have hair anymore. Some people can't handle it. I think they're pathetic. Hair is not that important. I would laugh at all the girls that cried during makeover on America's Next Top Model. I personally have dyed and cut my hair millions of time. Hair is what you make of it. I liked my hair, but I hated feeling it on my face when I woke up more. I think it affected my mother more than it affected me. I just kept thinking that I was the next Amber Rose. 

People asked me if I wanted a wig, and honestly I never thought of one. I used to cosplay, so I know all about wigs, and they can get really annoying. Besides, I kinda don't want hair. I think I look fine the way I am. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I think my outfit would look better if I had some type of hair-do but majority of the time I'm OK with not having hair. I'm told I have a nicely shaped head. 

Our time at Ronald McDonald was about to end. We had received some money from my aunt and we donated it to the house. The staff were so happy, but thought that we had given too much. Honestly, $200 is not enough for what they provided. We even got the two main office girls gift cards to Chili's. They were so sweet and helped us a lot when we were staying there. 

Now, I had always prayed that we would leave the Ronald McDonald house into our new home, but that wasn't the case. We still had some days before finding our new home. 

And find it we did. 

(The next time you go to McDonald's please, please, please, put any spare change in the donation boxes for the Ronald McDonald house! They really help! Also for all you runners out there, they have a 5k event called Color Me Rad. My sister's friend did it for me and all the entrance fees go towards the Ronald McDonald house foundation! Its really cool so check it out!)

Medullablastoma

If you didn't know; in November 28, 2012, I went to the ER for having extremely bad headaches. they were so bad that I would literally throw up whenever I got them or just stay on bed because I couldn't move. I was supposed to go to the school clinic for an appointment with the head doctor, but I felt waay to horrible to even stand. Thank God I had my good friend, Anna, taking me to my appointment anyways. I don't remember if I told her or if she forced me, but we ended up going to the ER straight away instead. 

It was kinda funny when I think back on my visit, cause Anna just took me straight to the ER, and I didn't have any time to change into proper clothes, or even get shoes! But it didn't matter anyways, I was put into a bed and then they decided to give me a CT Scan. That's a machine that they lay you down in and it scans your head, giving x-rays back to the doctors. I was fine in the scan. My headache was gone at this point, so I was just chilling, feeling like I was in an episode of House. They rolled me back to the ER and took their time reading their results. I didn't have time to grab my phone so at this point I had asked Anna to go get it, since I had my keys with me. Also to go get my a burger from McDonalds. I was starved. I hadn't breakfast since I was throwing up all freakin' day. 

The doctors came back while she was gone and told me the one thing I didn't want to hear. They said that they found a mass in my CT Scan, but to make sure it wasn't some defect of the equipment, they wanted me to get a MRI as well. Its the same thing but stronger at detecting things, I guess. I still don't know the difference til this day. Did the MRI, same thing. I still had the mass showing up. Basically, the doctors told me that I had a tumor. Now, I didn't have much reaction to this whole thing until now, but I knew that typically tumors meant cancer. At the time I didn't think cancer, cause I knew there were non-cancerous tumors out there, so I didn't panic. I just said, "OK", 

They admitted me in the hospital. I don't know why. Maybe they told me, maybe they didn't. Anna had to find me since I didn't have a phone to tell her that I had moved. I told her what they found and had my burger. She later left with another friend of mine that evening. My big in the Vietnamese association at school came to see me at night with some other of my friends, I was happy to see them. This whole thing was making a turn and I didn't know where it was going. At this point I had my phone again, so I could call my mother. I had called her with the phone of a admittance person to tell her the news, but this time was to tell her that they were admitting me into the hospital. She was hysteric. I feel bad for her. No one wants to hear that their child is in the hospital with a tumor. She was planning to come up and visit me the next day early in the morning. 

Since I was studying at Florida State, I was in the hospital in Tallahassee. I from Kissimmee, a town near Orlando. Its an four hour drive up from Kissimmee to Tallahassee. So, I wasn't expecting my mom any time soon. The next morning I had told my sorority friends of my situation. My line sisters, roommate, and another sorority sister came to see me once they were out of class. My mom made it just behind them, and good thing. I was told earlier that I were to have a surgery to get the tumor out, but I was to go to Gainesville (Gator country, eww!) in order to have the operation. My mom made it just in time before they sent me by ambulance to Gainesville, where she followed closely. 

I was checked into my room in the pediatric ICU. As I was not 21 yet, I still fell under pediatrics. Its dumb I know, but at least they're nicer. The next day I was to have my surgery. 

Now, everything gets confusing. I'm not gonna write about my experience there cause one, I don't really remember cause of the morphine, and two, I dreamt and saw some crazy shit. I don't know why I had these (I don't know what else to call it) illusions, but they were pretty damn vivid and tripped me out. My mother told me that I was in that hospital for two weeks. I only remember the last three days and the first day. The only things I can remember while being there were this: it was the year 2012. Obama was president, my sister's birthday was coming up on the fourth, my godmother came, my boyfriend(at the time) came, my dad was there for a while, my sister picked up my dog from Tallahassee, and I had three surgeries in my time there. One, to take out the tumor, one, to drain the spinal fluid and one to seal up the drainage to make a VP shunt, and that all my nurses, doctors, surgeons, were booing the fact that I'm a Seminole. That's it. Seems a lot, but my mom tells me otherwise. 

When I was conscience I didn't want to put too much info on what was happening to me. I have a lot of friends on Facebook that are really just acquaintances, or family members I don't really talk to, or just old high school friends that I really don't talk to. I mainly told my close friends and sorority sisters what was happening....to the best of my ability. While I was in my dazed state, I actually heard the doctor tell my mother that the surgery was success, however after they got the results of the tumor from the lab it turned out that my tumor had stage 1 cancer. A cancer called medullablastoma. A cancer that is typically found in children ages 3-8 years old. There is an one in one thousand chance for a person of my age (20 years old) to get this cancer. 

Well fuck.