I haven't written in a while. That's never any good. Especially for people like me that have way too much in their heads, full to the brim with thoughts, ideas, and hope.
Hope. Such a fickle thing.
It can light a fire in one's soul and squeeze the strength out of it the next. Hope is not something to mess around with. False hope is the worst. There's nothing as painful as it, because as human beings, we put so much of our faith in hope. Hope is a double-edge sword.
The world is full of people hoping and people who try to give hope. They try their best but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hope is a dream and sometimes the dreams don't come true. For if they did, than you must believe that all dreams come true and some of those dreams are quite nasty. We all have them, the dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night, gasping or even fighting to be free from the holdings of the dream. Those no one want to become true, but they are for some. The few who are going through a hellish nightmare within life know of this. This world is cruel.
But alas, there is one thing that helps us through. Something that we should never forget.
Faith.
Have faith. Don't have faith in dreams and hope, have faith in yourselves. You don't have to be religious to have faith. Its a basic thing we humans can achieve. Faith is very simple because there is really only one thing that you must always have faith in besides all else.
Yourself.
You. You are the one that is living in this world. You are the one that is going through the struggle of life. You are the one that take their faith to new heights, because you know what you are capable of and its what your believe of yourself that is going to help or harm you during times of struggle.
This may sound strange coming from me. Those that know me, know that I am not religious. However, I have always and still do, believe in God. That is as far as religious that I go. I don't need to lay my claim of my belief for everyone to see. The only one who it matters for is Him. He knows how much I believe in him. I don't need someone else to tell me what or how I should believe. People who are secure with their beliefs don't need to push themselves onto others.
I know that God made me into a strong person. I have faith in that thought and because I believe it to be true, I know that it is. My faith in myself is what keeps me from giving up. My dreams torment me and in a position like mine, it's hard not to dream. The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say and this hill is a bitch.
I try not to dream.
Dreams that fester in the mind always exceed reality and that's when hope starts to stir in your heart. Hope kills. Don't believe me? Ever wanted something so bad that when it doesn't comes it's like a knife is going through your heart and the age old question is always asked:
Why?
Why? Why do I hope and it does not happen? Why must I go through this? Why is this happening?
It's never good to ask. You won't get an answer, only a fact of life.
Life is shit and shit happens.
So, one must not ask why, they should take the shit and throw it right back in Life's face. People who believe in themselves can accomplish this. Those people who have "success'" in life and started from the very bottom of the barrel. Its not easy and it takes time, but you have to rely on yourself to make anything happen. You can hope for this or you can hope for that, but its when you believe in it, know that deep down inside you're not wishing for it. You already know that it is yours and you are going to do anything to make sure it stays that way.
That's where I find myself today. My last cycle of chemo has been delayed a week. I can't begin because the previous cycle of chemo have left my platelets in a shit state and they don't want to rise higher any time soon. So much I dreamed for has been wiped out of the picture at this stage. It was very hard to deal with the pain with knowing my hopes were to not become true.
It took me a while to be back to myself again. The sadness within me was quite strong. It felt as if the finish line was a step away, but every time I took a step forward it would retract, further and further away. Hope made think this way. Of the possibilities that come with the completion of things, but those will have to wait.
I know now that I have to stop dreaming of the end and actually believe that this is the end. Just like I'd always believed that I never had cancer after my surgery. It's out and it's not coming back. When this is done, I will wipe my hands clean of this and move on. This is what faith and belief in myself have helped to achieve.My last day of treatment will be the last of this part of my life that I have had to endure. It will shape my personality and soul a bit different, but I know that I will never go through this again. With faith and belief I fight and I will come out the victor.
I had cancer, but cancer never had me.
Showing posts with label strife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strife. Show all posts
Monday, February 3, 2014
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Only one way to go: UP
When we were living in the Ronald McDonald house, I had always hoped to leave the temporary home into a permanent one. It didn't quite work out that way, but close enough.
We spent a weekend staying at a hotel after we had left. This first one was the worst. It looked like just a typical hotel that seemed pretty cheap and wasn't any type of name brand. I had to use the elevator, for this was when I was still weak in the legs and I couldn't really handle stairs, but I never wished so hard for strength in my legs. The elevator was filthy. I don't know how this hotel could hide how disgusting it was. From outside appearances it looked a bit rundown, local, but bigger than a motel. It was an open hotel, no hallways. I washed my hands every time I make it to our room. Mind you, the room wasn't dirty per se, but there's a lingering filth in the air. Even the shower had that filth in the air feeling, even though it should be the cleanest of rooms.
But there was nothing to it. My mother hadn't been working for three months at this point and wasn't receiving pay. She had a couple of weeks before having to return back to work, which was why we were looking so far. My mother was not going to leave me in a hotel by myself especially in the state that I was in at this point. The only thing that made it better while we were looking for a home was the fact that at least we had a roof over our heads, a place to sleep, and a place to shower.
We spent the weekend there just looking for a place. In Kissimmee, a lot of people still just post the 'For Rent' side in their front yard instead of posting them on a site, like Craigslist. So, there was a lot of driving around. We made calls, but nothing ever worked out. It wasn't until we drove around in an area called 'Little Puerto Rico' that we made some progress. This place is called 'Little Puerto Rico' for the sheer amount of Puerto Ricans that live in this area. Some call it a ghetto, but its really just an old suburban neighborhood with a lot of riff raff that are still in school.
It was in this area that we saw a lot of signs, but when we called the rent was too much or they were checking for good credit which my mother didn't have. Like majority of the people in this economy, I always thought it was ridiculous requirement since no one has good credit. Then we called a house and they decided to just let us check out the house first before saying their requirements. This was okay, because we had already drove passed the house earlier and had an idea of what the house could look like. This house also happened to be a recommendation given to us by my mother's friends who also lived in the area. We went to the house and found out it was empty and ready to move-in. The house was a two bedroom, kitchen, living room, and one bathroom. It had a garage that half had been turned into a room and the other was still a garage, but smaller. The yard was extremely large, it used to house three trees. They cut down the two big ones and left the small orange tree. The porch had recently gotten a wooden roof put over the sliding doors entrance. the house was small, but bigger than any apartment we could have gotten. It also had a driveway that two cars could fit and its own mailbox. A regular old suburban household.
My mother fell in love with it. It was perfect for just the two of us. The owners were nice old folk who were both in retirement. The home belonged to the husband's, Bill's, parents before they died and passed it down to him. They had no need for the house and had been renting it to their son while he was attending college.
We told them of our situation of course. They sympathized, but really no one can understand what you are going through, unless they have been through it themselves. I don't know if it was because of our situation knowing we didn't have a lot of cash on hand or they just didn't care, but they were willing to let us bring my dog to the house with no pet deposit needed. We also had no application fee or credit check. All my mother needed was to have two good references. Overall, it was a good meet up and we were hopeful to get the house when we left.
The next day was my first appointment with my eye doctor. As you know, the surgeries had made my left eye turn in with my right following a couple days later. It was time to see what was in store for my eyes. Since my appointment was 45 minutes away and on a Monday, we left Sunday morning from that horrible hotel and made our way closer to the site. At the Denny's here there are a lot of coupon books of different things and when we left I grabbed one that had discounted hotel prices. I was lucky to find one next to where were going for really cheap at the Howard Johnson. Finally a decent hotel to stay in. One our way up, we received a call from my mom's boss. She was informing us that she had received a call from Bill, one of the owners of the house. Ten minutes later we got a call.
We got the house!
We were so excited! Finally! We finally had our own place!The next day (after my appointment0 we went to the house and gave the landlord the deposit and rent for the upcoming month. He knew we had no place to stay so he let us move in that day. Not that we had anything to move in at this moment. We simply went to the Wal-Mart nearby and bought an air mattress. That first night we slept on the floor, on our air mattress, together, in our empty living room (house). It was better than they shitty hotel.
The following days felt fast-forwarded, but full of the beginning of better days. We picked up my dog from my sister's place and slowly the rooms were filled with furniture. The spare room that used to be a garage, was made into an extra living room for me, where my computer, PS3, PS2, Wii, and Xbox360 live.Majority of appliances and furniture in my house is brand new. We were beginning all over from the bottom. The money we were expecting from my mother's cancer insurance she had for us (in case of anything) came in after we got the house, and what perfect timing. We received enough to buy the living room furniture and decorations. Some was spared for us to relax and let down our hairs (figuratively speaking on my part) by going to a popular dinner and show my mother never had the opportunity to go to. It only felt right to enjoy ourselves after dealing with the past six weeks.
My life was starting to come around. Things were going well, but it seemed it wouldn't last.
My first day of chemo was coming up.
We spent a weekend staying at a hotel after we had left. This first one was the worst. It looked like just a typical hotel that seemed pretty cheap and wasn't any type of name brand. I had to use the elevator, for this was when I was still weak in the legs and I couldn't really handle stairs, but I never wished so hard for strength in my legs. The elevator was filthy. I don't know how this hotel could hide how disgusting it was. From outside appearances it looked a bit rundown, local, but bigger than a motel. It was an open hotel, no hallways. I washed my hands every time I make it to our room. Mind you, the room wasn't dirty per se, but there's a lingering filth in the air. Even the shower had that filth in the air feeling, even though it should be the cleanest of rooms.
But there was nothing to it. My mother hadn't been working for three months at this point and wasn't receiving pay. She had a couple of weeks before having to return back to work, which was why we were looking so far. My mother was not going to leave me in a hotel by myself especially in the state that I was in at this point. The only thing that made it better while we were looking for a home was the fact that at least we had a roof over our heads, a place to sleep, and a place to shower.
We spent the weekend there just looking for a place. In Kissimmee, a lot of people still just post the 'For Rent' side in their front yard instead of posting them on a site, like Craigslist. So, there was a lot of driving around. We made calls, but nothing ever worked out. It wasn't until we drove around in an area called 'Little Puerto Rico' that we made some progress. This place is called 'Little Puerto Rico' for the sheer amount of Puerto Ricans that live in this area. Some call it a ghetto, but its really just an old suburban neighborhood with a lot of riff raff that are still in school.
It was in this area that we saw a lot of signs, but when we called the rent was too much or they were checking for good credit which my mother didn't have. Like majority of the people in this economy, I always thought it was ridiculous requirement since no one has good credit. Then we called a house and they decided to just let us check out the house first before saying their requirements. This was okay, because we had already drove passed the house earlier and had an idea of what the house could look like. This house also happened to be a recommendation given to us by my mother's friends who also lived in the area. We went to the house and found out it was empty and ready to move-in. The house was a two bedroom, kitchen, living room, and one bathroom. It had a garage that half had been turned into a room and the other was still a garage, but smaller. The yard was extremely large, it used to house three trees. They cut down the two big ones and left the small orange tree. The porch had recently gotten a wooden roof put over the sliding doors entrance. the house was small, but bigger than any apartment we could have gotten. It also had a driveway that two cars could fit and its own mailbox. A regular old suburban household.
My mother fell in love with it. It was perfect for just the two of us. The owners were nice old folk who were both in retirement. The home belonged to the husband's, Bill's, parents before they died and passed it down to him. They had no need for the house and had been renting it to their son while he was attending college.
We told them of our situation of course. They sympathized, but really no one can understand what you are going through, unless they have been through it themselves. I don't know if it was because of our situation knowing we didn't have a lot of cash on hand or they just didn't care, but they were willing to let us bring my dog to the house with no pet deposit needed. We also had no application fee or credit check. All my mother needed was to have two good references. Overall, it was a good meet up and we were hopeful to get the house when we left.
The next day was my first appointment with my eye doctor. As you know, the surgeries had made my left eye turn in with my right following a couple days later. It was time to see what was in store for my eyes. Since my appointment was 45 minutes away and on a Monday, we left Sunday morning from that horrible hotel and made our way closer to the site. At the Denny's here there are a lot of coupon books of different things and when we left I grabbed one that had discounted hotel prices. I was lucky to find one next to where were going for really cheap at the Howard Johnson. Finally a decent hotel to stay in. One our way up, we received a call from my mom's boss. She was informing us that she had received a call from Bill, one of the owners of the house. Ten minutes later we got a call.
We got the house!
We were so excited! Finally! We finally had our own place!The next day (after my appointment0 we went to the house and gave the landlord the deposit and rent for the upcoming month. He knew we had no place to stay so he let us move in that day. Not that we had anything to move in at this moment. We simply went to the Wal-Mart nearby and bought an air mattress. That first night we slept on the floor, on our air mattress, together, in our empty living room (house). It was better than they shitty hotel.
The following days felt fast-forwarded, but full of the beginning of better days. We picked up my dog from my sister's place and slowly the rooms were filled with furniture. The spare room that used to be a garage, was made into an extra living room for me, where my computer, PS3, PS2, Wii, and Xbox360 live.Majority of appliances and furniture in my house is brand new. We were beginning all over from the bottom. The money we were expecting from my mother's cancer insurance she had for us (in case of anything) came in after we got the house, and what perfect timing. We received enough to buy the living room furniture and decorations. Some was spared for us to relax and let down our hairs (figuratively speaking on my part) by going to a popular dinner and show my mother never had the opportunity to go to. It only felt right to enjoy ourselves after dealing with the past six weeks.
My life was starting to come around. Things were going well, but it seemed it wouldn't last.
My first day of chemo was coming up.
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