Good Things Do Come...

I want to start this post with a thank you to the man upstairs, because none of what has happens could have possibly been without his blessing.

It's the third week of December and Christmas is on its way, but I am already getting my presents. I was told in October of a great gift that would be coming to me soon and it wasn't until November that it actually happened. I was prompted to apply to the Dream Foundation for a dream. I am too old to do the Make-a-Wish Foundation, but there are some that provide for those that are 18+ and are going through a terminal illness, the Dream Foundation is one of them.

Everyone knows my dreams and what I aspire to be after I finish school. Everyone knows what I like and where I want to be for a long period of my life. Unfortunately the Dream Foundation does not have the ability to send people on international trips, they can do national however, and last time I checked, Hawaii is a state. It was basically set. I had to write down my top three dreams and of course Hawaii being the closest thing to going to Japan, it was at the top of my list.

When I was finally contacted for my dream, I was extremely excited. I couldn't believe that something I had always dreamed about would be available for me. It really was like a dream coming true. But, it wasn't. Well at least not that dream. They clued explaining the many risks factors involved in flying to Hawaii and the problems that could happen and not being able to have money straight up for any sort of possible problems. It was too risky, plus the flight to Hawaii from Orlando would be a 24-hour trip. If there was one thing they wanted to achieve it was making sure that I would always be comfortable in my dream and the flight did not sound at all nice. So I was asked about giving them another dream and of course I already knew the answer. 17 years living in Florida had given me one wish: to stay at a Disney hotel or a hotel on Disney property, for four days, each day one park.

Being Floridians, we've all been able to go to all four parks in one day. It's all great and everything, but I live here, why couldn't we just calmly go to the parks? Even better, lets stay at the hotels and go to the parks. I know I'm not the only one who rides the rail to Magic Kingdom through the Contemporary Resort and not want to be able to just get on the train from your room straight to Magic Kingdom. That shit is cool.

Of course this wasn't hard for them and it was automatically approved the moment I mentioned it. On January 5-9, 2015, I will be staying at the Hyatt Regency Grand Cypress and going to Walt Disney World for four days. Woo! This is going to be awesome. I will know Disney on a completely different level and for once I can actually be like "Yes, I live in Florida, and yes, I've been to Walt Disney World. Fully." I will know WDW like the back of my hand. Especially, because when they went to buy the tickets, the coordinator wanted to get the Florida Residents discount but couldn't since her credit card is not from Florida, and so she sent us a check with the money. Rather than just get one ticket per day, my mother (who is coming with me) and I decided it was easier to just get an annual pass for the both of us. Coming back home and not in school has given me PLENTY of alone time. This is giving me something to do, plus it helps that I know people who work at Disney that I can go and bother. This is a lot better than being home. Alone.

One of the great things that the Dream Foundation does is that they presented my dream to me at my house. Volunteers came to my house and gave me the tickets, plus some extra stuff. Two of the volunteers work for the Polynesian Hotel in Magic Kingdom and performed a hula dance considering that my original dream was to go to Hawaii.They even thought me the hula dance that they were performing right now at the hotel. I was I had more balance to move my hips. How I miss dancing! They brought me beautiful flowers, and leis. A bag of presents that, not only gave me and my mother our tickets and hotel reservations, but I had even received a Mickey Mouse ear hat with my name engraved in the back! Totally did not expect that.

It seems kind of surreal how things are going in my life right now. This weekend I will being attending Universal and Islands of Adventures for my friend's birthday and on Monday I will going to Disney with my little, who happens to work there and is getting the day off. I know I probably shouldn't partake in anything Disney before my week with my mother, but I want to spend time with her just the two of us because we have not been able to have many big/little dates, the neglecting needs to stop. Besides, the week at Disney will be a different experience completely and one that I want to share with mother who has been there since I was born, to be honest. Universal was actually supposed to happen in August so this a bit delayed to be happening and I agreed to it ages ago. I've had no hand in making my Christmas so awesome, it just came out this way. This has to be a work of God. I sure as hell know my own luck isn't this great.

I am beyond overwhelmed with everything that is happening. I totally did not even realize until the beginning of this week that all of this was happening during Christmas. I think this will be one for the books, one of the best Christmas I will have in a long time. I know what could top this, but this is pretty fucking great. I never saw this as a possibility with everything that I'm going through, because this not something you think about when you are going through the things that I am going through right now.

You think of health, you think of your goals, but you don't really think about your happiness. It's on the back burner. I'm just trying to get through life at this point and I know I need to be positive but that doesn't necessarily mean that I think about doing things that would give me happiness. Of course, I think of things that would make me happy at the moment, like a massage, but this dream is on another scale all together. This is a dream! Literally this has been one of my dreams since I can remember. that fact that this is happening to me is not reaching my conscious.this is something huge for me and until it happens I can't even process it.

Today was another great day (I'm telling you, my 2014 year is ending with a bang.) One of the surgeon Doctors at my mother's hospital that she works at, has a single-parent foundation. Clearly the foundations works with single-parents and my mother falls under that category. He made sure for me and my mother to be available today to see him, because he had a surprise for the both of us. We both didn't know what to expect, I definitely didn't know anything. My mother's supervisor escorted us to a room where the doctor and some others were waiting for us. Even my mother's boss was there. At this point I had been stopped many times for people to tell me kind words so I expected the same to be happening, but I was pleasantly surprise that this was actually more for my mother than for me. My mother was being recognize for being a strong single woman who works hard for her children. I was so proud of my mother, because I know how great she is, but its nice hearing others seeing the same thing. My mother has some really big shoes that would be hard for anyone to fill. They gave both of us gifts from Mary Kay and Starbucks, which were extremely nice, but there was one gift that got me right in the heart and made me cry like a little girl.

I don't know how to put this to words, but I really love my grandmother on my mother's side. When I was in middle school I thought about how she was getting much older and you know how that leads to thoughts of death and I just started bawling. The thought of my grandmother dying just brought me to tears (still brings me to tears, I'm crying right now!) I love my grandma! When I was recovering from my  surgeries, I remember crying because I wanted to see my brother, who at the time was living in Puerto Rico and my grandmother. I called her in tears. The moment I was a little better, I made the trip to Puerto Rico on my own just to see the two of them. In January 2014, me and my mother went to Puerto Rico on her birthday and this past October she came here to see me.

The best gift that they gave us was a certificate that would bring my grandmother here whenever she wanted. I was not expecting it and just gasp. My mother turn to me and teared up because any time she can get with her mother after being out of her home country for 25 years, is great.

2014 is turning out to be ending soon, but some really good things are happening to me. Yes, I had a recurrence of my cancer in the middle of the year, but it is breaking apart with the treatment that I am receiving. Yes, a sister from my chapter turned out to have ovarian cancer, but she has had her surgeries and her treatment is going well and strong. Yes, I am still not done with school, but I am in no rush because I know that I will be finishing up eventually. I am ending the year of the horse on a high note. Let the year of the sheep start and keep this high note rolling!

Beaten But Never Broken (raw/unedited)

I haven't written in a while. That's never any good. Especially for people like me that have way too much in their heads, full to the brim with thoughts, ideas, and hope.

Hope. Such a fickle thing.

It can light a fire in one's soul and squeeze the strength out of it the next. Hope is not something to mess around with. False hope is the worst. There's nothing as painful as it, because as human beings, we put so much of our faith in hope. Hope is a double-edge sword.

The world is full of people hoping and people who try to give hope. They try their best but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hope is a dream and sometimes the dreams don't come true. For if they did, than you must believe that all dreams come true and some of those dreams are quite nasty. We all have them, the dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night, gasping or even fighting to be free from the holdings of the dream. Those no one want to become true, but they are for some. The few who are going through a hellish nightmare within life know of this. This world is cruel.

But alas, there is one thing that helps us through. Something that we should never forget.

Faith.

Have faith. Don't have faith in dreams and hope, have faith in yourselves. You don't have to be religious to have faith. Its a basic thing we humans can achieve. Faith is very simple because there is really only one thing that you must always have faith in besides all else.

Yourself.

You. You are the one that is living in this world. You are the one that is going through the struggle of life. You are the one that take their faith to new heights, because you know what you are capable of and its what your believe of yourself that is going to help or harm you during times of struggle.

This may sound strange coming from me. Those that know me, know that I am not religious. However, I have always and still do, believe in God. That is as far as religious that I go. I don't need to lay my claim of my belief for everyone to see. The only one who it matters for is Him. He knows how much I believe in him. I don't need someone else to tell me what or how I should believe. People who are secure with their beliefs don't need to push themselves onto others.

I know that God made me into a strong person. I have faith in that thought and because I believe it to be true, I know that it is. My faith in myself is what keeps me from giving up. My dreams torment me and in a position like mine, it's hard not to dream. The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say and this hill is a bitch.

I try not to dream.

Dreams that fester in the mind always exceed reality and that's when hope starts to stir in your heart. Hope kills. Don't believe me? Ever wanted something so bad that when it doesn't comes it's like a knife is going through your heart and the age old question is always asked:

Why?

Why? Why do I hope and it does not happen? Why must I go through this? Why is this happening?

It's never good to ask. You won't get an answer, only a fact of life.

Life is shit and shit happens.

So, one must not ask why, they should take the shit and throw it right back in Life's face. People who believe in themselves can accomplish this. Those people who have "success'" in life and started from the very bottom of the barrel. Its not easy and it takes time, but you have to rely on yourself to make anything happen. You can hope for this or you can hope for that, but its when you believe in it, know that deep down inside you're not wishing for it. You already know that it is yours and you are going to do anything to make sure it stays that way.

That's where I find myself today. My last cycle of chemo has been delayed a week. I can't begin because the previous cycle of chemo have left my platelets in a shit state and they don't want to rise higher any time soon. So much I dreamed for has been wiped out of the picture at this stage. It was very hard to deal with the pain with knowing my hopes were to not become true.

It took me a while to be back to myself again. The sadness within me was quite strong. It felt as if the finish line was a step away, but every time I took a step forward it would retract, further and further away. Hope made think this way. Of the possibilities that come with the completion of things, but those will have to wait.

I know now that I have to stop dreaming of the end and actually believe that this is the end. Just like I'd always believed that I never had cancer after my surgery. It's out and it's not coming back. When this is done, I will wipe my hands clean of this and move on. This is what faith and belief in myself have helped to achieve.My last day of treatment will be the last of this part of my life that I have had to endure. It will shape my personality and soul a bit different, but I know that I will never go through this again. With faith and belief I fight and I will come out the victor.

I had cancer, but cancer never had me.