Happy Holidays

Christmas!!!




The only time of the year that an adult can act like a child. It is one of my favorite holidays of the year, then again who doesn't love it? I can only see maybe one individual not liking the holiday and that may be parents. A year where they have to buy presents for their kids and pretend that it wasn't them that did the labor to get everything their child wanted. Yeah, I can see why someone like that wouldn't love the magical holiday.




Too bad for them.




Christmas, as I have mentioned on my Facebook, was very kind to me. I had received a Macbook Air, an iMac and two FSU hoodies that I have always wanted. Not many presents in the eyes of a kid, but more than enough for me. I was surprise with the macbook, and then the iMac came and I was like "whoa,". I was even ecstatic to get the hoodies, because it was one thing I always wanted to get while attending FSU and I never got around to it.




Ah! I'm so happy!




Last year was also a good year for me as well. I got the Nintendo 3DS and three games which to me was a great gift cause I have many games for and I still heavily use it till this day. Getting chemo is a lot easier when you can be distracted by a good game. Chemo can take up the whole day sometimes when I go. The first day is always really long. It's the pharmacy that takes the longest whenever I go to the hospital. It's like they don't know what to do whenever they ask for my blood, platelets, or chemo. It takes hours! I'm sure they are very busy getting things ready for any emergency blood to the ER, so I don't really want to complain about them trying to save a life, but it really is annoying when they take so long.




I didn't get the PS4. This doesn't bother me because I actually don't want it. Now don't get me wrong, I do want to get it, but not anytime soon. Right now there is no game out that I really want to play for the PS4, seeing as they are still making PS3 games. I'm content playing my Kingdom Hearts ReMIX games for the time being. The only game that I want for the PS4 won't be coming out until June, so I have plenty of time to get the PS4. but if I can get it for only $275 then hell yeah I'll buy it right now instead of waiting. I can always play Little Big Planet 3 for now until a decent game that I will enjoy comes out.




Yes, I know that Destiny is really good and a lot of people really enjoy it, but to be honest I'm not that great at first-person shooter games. I like Halo, and I can play it, but that's the only exception and that's probably because my ex played it all the time, so I had to learn. Also FPS are easier to play on the Xbox. The controller is better designed for those games.




Another happy note is that I got to go to Universal and Islands of Adventure this past weekend for two days! That was extremely fun. Saw old friends and made new ones. I have to say that this was the first time I was in such a big group and enjoyed everyone that was there. We had such a great group of people and the weekend went by amazingly because of it. I finally got to see Diagon Alley! It was amazing!




If there is one thing that you have to know about me is my obsession with Harry Potter. There is only two things that I am obsess with: Kingdom Hearts and Harry Potter. I'm a little bit more obsess with Harry Potter, just because the universe for it is so big and a lot more international than Kingdom Hearts, but the passion is equal for both of them. I was so happy when they made the first park in Islands of Adventure. I went to the soft opening and it was awesome. Not too awesome every time they shut down the ride, but the stores more than made up for it.




Having the knowledge of the layout of the parks from past trips, I was really surprised the first time by what they did to bring Hogsmeade and Hogwarts to Islands of Adventure. Hogwarts for instance seems life-like in the sense of how big it looks. You think it's just as big as a castle, but in reality, the parts that are farther away are smaller to make the castle bigger than it really is. A nifty trick that really works to sell the image of a big castle. The portraits do move in subtle ways when they are not actively moving. They tend to twitch or blink all the time and then they act out whatever scene whenever they want. They made sure to make the videos look like an actual portrait. There are so many little things that they paid special attention to in order to bring the world of Harry Potter to us 'muggles' and they succeeded.




The same thing can be said for the creation of Diagon Alley in Universal. This past weekend being my first time going, I was extremely excited to finally go. I was a bit sad to notice that they had to get rid of the Jaws ride and world to make Diagon Alley, but I was so pleased with the new addition, I wasn't upset for too long.




You first walk into Muggle London. King's Cross is the first thing I see, before I notice the town homes that are next to it. The town homes are the street where Grimmauld place is located. Eek! I can't believe they decided to put this in the park! They always mention the Gringotts ride, but no one told me that they would have Number 12 Grimmauld Place! Every ten minutes they have Kreacher popping out in the window above the door. In front of Number 12, is the Knight Bus, there's not much there, beside the shrunken heads in the front that move at times.




The entrance to Diagon Alley is of course the back of the Leaky Cauldron, but this is where they made a mistake with the design. It says the Leaky Cauldron, but you are immediately walking behind a wall and then through the brick wall that Hagrid goes through in the first movie. To the left of the entrance is the Leaky Cauldron again, but it is the actual dining area of Diagon Alley similar to the Three Broomsticks in Islands of Adventure. Besides that design flaw the rest is very well done. They brought a lot of shops to Diagon Alley, which makes sense considering it's mainly a shopping district. Weasley Wizard Wheezes is there and I noticed that the version they had at IOA had a name change to Zonko's, but I remember that it was originally played off as a branch of WWW at Homemade. I don't feel that Zonkos would be extremely orange just like Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.




Gringotts is in the middle in the back and I very much feel that I am in Diagon Alley when I see it. It came as a shock when the Dragon actually breathed out fire towards the air. I had thought that it was just a commercial gimmick to get people to come to the park, but the dragon actually does breathe fire! Around every 10 minutes, it'll start to lowly growl and mumble before it lets out a tremendous roar. It's so cool. I didn't get to go on the Gringotts ride, it broke down right as we were going to get on and when we checked later to try to get on again, it was completely shut off.




So close yet so far.




I enjoyed Knockturn Alley, something I was happy that they included. It's small with only Borgin & Burke as a shop, but it has three interactive features that were really fun. This was something new. The parks now have an interactive feature with the wands that you can buy in the shops. I remember at first you could buy only a couple of wands, like Harry's, Ron's, Hermione's, Dumbledore, etc. Now you can buy Luna Lovegood, Cho Chang, Dean, Seamus, and more! I think this time you can buy all of the characters' wands. Also this time you have two options when getting your wand, either you can buy a plain wand, or you can pay ten dollars more for an interactive wand, that gives you a map where you can locate the interactive spells in the many places in both Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade.




I bought the Severus Snape interactive wand.




His wand is very simple and only has a small design on the handle. They look like kanji symbols, but none look familiar so I don't think they are. I love Severus Snape as a character and Alan Rickman played him superbly. So many emotions come attached to Snape that I could probably write a decent size blog on all of the feels.




The interactive spells are a lot of fun, once you can get them to work. They are a little bit tricky to activate, but the moment you get it, it becomes a lot of fun. I only did the spells in Knockturn Alley since it is mainly used for people to perform the interactive spells. I felt pretty nerdy performing them, but since I wasn't the only one pretending to be a wizard, I was fine for looking like a derp. The robes are still far too expensive and I don't know whether I will ever buy them. I now have an annual pass to the parks so maybe one day I might spend that chunk of money.....but I don't know.




The weekend being followed by an amazing Christmas, has really got me in a good mood. I'm going to be flying into 2015 on a high note. The fact that my dream from the Dream foundation will be happening right after the new year is another cherry on the top of this chocolate sundae.




Year of the sheep, here I come!

Good Things Do Come...

I want to start this post with a thank you to the man upstairs, because none of what has happens could have possibly been without his blessing.

It's the third week of December and Christmas is on its way, but I am already getting my presents. I was told in October of a great gift that would be coming to me soon and it wasn't until November that it actually happened. I was prompted to apply to the Dream Foundation for a dream. I am too old to do the Make-a-Wish Foundation, but there are some that provide for those that are 18+ and are going through a terminal illness, the Dream Foundation is one of them.

Everyone knows my dreams and what I aspire to be after I finish school. Everyone knows what I like and where I want to be for a long period of my life. Unfortunately the Dream Foundation does not have the ability to send people on international trips, they can do national however, and last time I checked, Hawaii is a state. It was basically set. I had to write down my top three dreams and of course Hawaii being the closest thing to going to Japan, it was at the top of my list.

When I was finally contacted for my dream, I was extremely excited. I couldn't believe that something I had always dreamed about would be available for me. It really was like a dream coming true. But, it wasn't. Well at least not that dream. They clued explaining the many risks factors involved in flying to Hawaii and the problems that could happen and not being able to have money straight up for any sort of possible problems. It was too risky, plus the flight to Hawaii from Orlando would be a 24-hour trip. If there was one thing they wanted to achieve it was making sure that I would always be comfortable in my dream and the flight did not sound at all nice. So I was asked about giving them another dream and of course I already knew the answer. 17 years living in Florida had given me one wish: to stay at a Disney hotel or a hotel on Disney property, for four days, each day one park.

Being Floridians, we've all been able to go to all four parks in one day. It's all great and everything, but I live here, why couldn't we just calmly go to the parks? Even better, lets stay at the hotels and go to the parks. I know I'm not the only one who rides the rail to Magic Kingdom through the Contemporary Resort and not want to be able to just get on the train from your room straight to Magic Kingdom. That shit is cool.

Of course this wasn't hard for them and it was automatically approved the moment I mentioned it. On January 5-9, 2015, I will be staying at the Hyatt Regency Grand Cypress and going to Walt Disney World for four days. Woo! This is going to be awesome. I will know Disney on a completely different level and for once I can actually be like "Yes, I live in Florida, and yes, I've been to Walt Disney World. Fully." I will know WDW like the back of my hand. Especially, because when they went to buy the tickets, the coordinator wanted to get the Florida Residents discount but couldn't since her credit card is not from Florida, and so she sent us a check with the money. Rather than just get one ticket per day, my mother (who is coming with me) and I decided it was easier to just get an annual pass for the both of us. Coming back home and not in school has given me PLENTY of alone time. This is giving me something to do, plus it helps that I know people who work at Disney that I can go and bother. This is a lot better than being home. Alone.

One of the great things that the Dream Foundation does is that they presented my dream to me at my house. Volunteers came to my house and gave me the tickets, plus some extra stuff. Two of the volunteers work for the Polynesian Hotel in Magic Kingdom and performed a hula dance considering that my original dream was to go to Hawaii.They even thought me the hula dance that they were performing right now at the hotel. I was I had more balance to move my hips. How I miss dancing! They brought me beautiful flowers, and leis. A bag of presents that, not only gave me and my mother our tickets and hotel reservations, but I had even received a Mickey Mouse ear hat with my name engraved in the back! Totally did not expect that.

It seems kind of surreal how things are going in my life right now. This weekend I will being attending Universal and Islands of Adventures for my friend's birthday and on Monday I will going to Disney with my little, who happens to work there and is getting the day off. I know I probably shouldn't partake in anything Disney before my week with my mother, but I want to spend time with her just the two of us because we have not been able to have many big/little dates, the neglecting needs to stop. Besides, the week at Disney will be a different experience completely and one that I want to share with mother who has been there since I was born, to be honest. Universal was actually supposed to happen in August so this a bit delayed to be happening and I agreed to it ages ago. I've had no hand in making my Christmas so awesome, it just came out this way. This has to be a work of God. I sure as hell know my own luck isn't this great.

I am beyond overwhelmed with everything that is happening. I totally did not even realize until the beginning of this week that all of this was happening during Christmas. I think this will be one for the books, one of the best Christmas I will have in a long time. I know what could top this, but this is pretty fucking great. I never saw this as a possibility with everything that I'm going through, because this not something you think about when you are going through the things that I am going through right now.

You think of health, you think of your goals, but you don't really think about your happiness. It's on the back burner. I'm just trying to get through life at this point and I know I need to be positive but that doesn't necessarily mean that I think about doing things that would give me happiness. Of course, I think of things that would make me happy at the moment, like a massage, but this dream is on another scale all together. This is a dream! Literally this has been one of my dreams since I can remember. that fact that this is happening to me is not reaching my conscious.this is something huge for me and until it happens I can't even process it.

Today was another great day (I'm telling you, my 2014 year is ending with a bang.) One of the surgeon Doctors at my mother's hospital that she works at, has a single-parent foundation. Clearly the foundations works with single-parents and my mother falls under that category. He made sure for me and my mother to be available today to see him, because he had a surprise for the both of us. We both didn't know what to expect, I definitely didn't know anything. My mother's supervisor escorted us to a room where the doctor and some others were waiting for us. Even my mother's boss was there. At this point I had been stopped many times for people to tell me kind words so I expected the same to be happening, but I was pleasantly surprise that this was actually more for my mother than for me. My mother was being recognize for being a strong single woman who works hard for her children. I was so proud of my mother, because I know how great she is, but its nice hearing others seeing the same thing. My mother has some really big shoes that would be hard for anyone to fill. They gave both of us gifts from Mary Kay and Starbucks, which were extremely nice, but there was one gift that got me right in the heart and made me cry like a little girl.

I don't know how to put this to words, but I really love my grandmother on my mother's side. When I was in middle school I thought about how she was getting much older and you know how that leads to thoughts of death and I just started bawling. The thought of my grandmother dying just brought me to tears (still brings me to tears, I'm crying right now!) I love my grandma! When I was recovering from my  surgeries, I remember crying because I wanted to see my brother, who at the time was living in Puerto Rico and my grandmother. I called her in tears. The moment I was a little better, I made the trip to Puerto Rico on my own just to see the two of them. In January 2014, me and my mother went to Puerto Rico on her birthday and this past October she came here to see me.

The best gift that they gave us was a certificate that would bring my grandmother here whenever she wanted. I was not expecting it and just gasp. My mother turn to me and teared up because any time she can get with her mother after being out of her home country for 25 years, is great.

2014 is turning out to be ending soon, but some really good things are happening to me. Yes, I had a recurrence of my cancer in the middle of the year, but it is breaking apart with the treatment that I am receiving. Yes, a sister from my chapter turned out to have ovarian cancer, but she has had her surgeries and her treatment is going well and strong. Yes, I am still not done with school, but I am in no rush because I know that I will be finishing up eventually. I am ending the year of the horse on a high note. Let the year of the sheep start and keep this high note rolling!

Computer Woes

A quick blurb. I need to talk about this.




I HATE DEALING WITH COMPUTERS!




This is why I didn't follow with continuing wireless when I went to college! I just spent three days trying to fix my Mac, which had decided to be so difficult updating the OS. Trying to update to the Yosemite OS X fucked up and before I realized it, I had lost the ability to get into my computer. Thinking that Time Machine had been doing its job, I opened it thinking that it had done its job and had a backup to my computer.




IT DIDN'T.




My only option to get out of the loop was to repartition the drive and try to install again through the internet. Yosemite wouldn't work no matter what and finally the the install from the internet noticed and changed to OS X Lion like I had originally when I first bought my Mac. Still didn't work. I looked up on my phone the Apple forums and saw what others were trying to do to fix the same problems and it all just came down to continuous restarts and hope that it would work eventually. I tried this for three days.




It took all day. Didn't help that I was also going through some problems with my bank at the same time, thinking that I wouldn't get back my money for the rent. I literally wanted to give up on life. Everything was going wrong. What a way to start the week,




Miraculously, the next thing I hear is my computer speaking with instructions on how to setup your Mac for the first time. Happy day! Right after that I got the money back in my band account and was able to pay my rent.




Hallelujah!




My Lord, today has to be one of the craziest up and downs that I have ever encounter. All in a matter of five hours!




OK I'm done.




I needed to say my complaint somewhere.




If you read this far: why? Leave a comment telling me cause this is more for me to rant than for people to read.

Every Damn Day

I know I don't update as often as I should, (more how people would like), but the problem lies in the simple fact that not much really goes on in my life. Maybe if I was back in school, I would probably be a little bit busier with college life and all of its spoils, but honestly when you come back home there isn't much to do.




I'm too used to my life in college. I miss it so much. Life back home is simply day to day, a bit boring if you ask me. The most exciting moment in my life is when someone has a birthday. People tend to actually want to do something other than work. If not for the daily cycle of life, I would be a lot more bored than I am.




Oh sure, I love seeing my family and I do (impossible though it is) enjoy hanging out with my (annoying) nephews, but it becomes pretty mundane really quick when it's all I can do. I'm limited by my many disabilities. Granted, I have it a lot better than some other cancer patients that I have seen around, but it's the small things that I have lost that really hit home.




Balance and strength are barely noticed by folks. The only people that really notice it are toddlers when they first begin to walk and move about. I literally feel the same way as a toddler. I can barely walk without some support, I have to someone always around me, just in case I happen to fall or get into something that I can't handle with my own strength, and I'm forced to eat things that are "good" for me even though I don't like it.




I'm 22, feels like I'm 2.




This seems to be something that a lot of people tend to forget when they take care of me. I understand and definitely know I need the help, but I'm an adult so treat me like one. I would rather be treated the same way you treat your frail grandma than your 2 year old child. Like, come on. I know I look fifteen but, I also have to deal with the fact that I am still in pediatrics, so relax. The nurses in Peds treat me as an adult, you can too. If anything, they're the ones that constantly remind that I'm an adult with the whole, "I need your parent's signature, oh wait, you can sign!" Ugh, my life.




It doesn't help that my brother is getting married and will become a stepfather to two teenaged girls, who happen to be either at my height at 11 and taller than me at 15. I got the short end of this stick, badump. My life is a big joke.



Although sometimes its not so bad getting treated like a kid. You get free stuff at the hospital all the time and the Child Life Service volunteers are always really nice, even though I can tell they are a bit shock when they come to my room and see on my chart that I'm not the fifteen year old they thought I was. It passes quickly and soon I'm getting all of the treats that the kids get: movies, iPad, board games, etc. It makes taking chemo go a lot quicker, as an alternative to just sleeping the whole time. I admit, I much rather get a stick to my finger like a diabetic, rather than a needle when it comes to getting my blood check. I've have enough needles so far.




With the problems I have with my eyes, it makes it hard for me to be able to drive and so I'm stuck being driven around. I know sometimes it's nice to not have to drive around, but eventually it gets on your nerves when you want to go somewhere, but you're limited to the availability of whoever can take you's schedule. Independence is non-existent in my life. I think toddlers have more independence than I do. When I was able to take the Lynx disability bus, it helped a lot, especially when it came to attending my appointments, but eventually it became an annoyance than helpful because it would arrive late to my house or even worse late to my appointment. Another problem with it, was the fact that it would have a route and sometimes my stops weren't the next ones to go to and I would end up on the bus for about an hour before returning home. How I longer for the ability to drive again. Eventually I had surgery done to my eyes and for one week I was able to drive myself around.




I had never felt more free.




But my left eye decided that it didn't like being straight and started turning in again. It didn't become as bad as it was before I had eye surgery, but it was enough of a tilt that it made it difficult to not see double even with the prism stickers that would try to fix my sight. I am due for one more surgery to the left eye to hopefully make it straight again, but no details are coming in besides the fact that they won't take my primary insurance. I know I'm trying to wait patiently cause it has before when I get too excited for something to go right for me and something wrong always happens. Life just has to spite me. So I'm waiting, patiently, my potential freedom can take its time, cause I don't want to lose it again. I want my eye to be fixed forever not temporary. Everything that is being affected needs to be permantly fixed, ain't nobody got time for this temporary shit.




When my ability to drive comes back to me, then I can say that I have beaten cancer. It seems so silly to base my progress on such a thing, but driving to me has always been a type of freedom/independence for me. I was late with getting my license in high school and super late when it came to owning my first car. I didn't get my car until my second semester in college. That dependence of relying on others to get my own things done was always a problem for me as I grew up. Especially for private things, I found it uncomfortable whenever I had to do things such as checking my bank account or even do groceries. Plus, public transportation can be a bit strange, not going to say anything bad about it cause it takes me where I need to go, but strange folks go on public transportation and they make the whole experience strange, I like the privacy of having my own car and ability to go wherever I want a lot more.




So I'll keep the hope and pray that everything works well and that I don't have to redo this experience again. I feel that I'm doing pretty well for having to go through this experience another time, but its scary not being able to stop the thought of this possibly reoccurring another time late in life. I have faith in my doctors and even though I wish to end treatment in time to go back and finish my degree this Spring, I feel that this will take another year and I will have to postpone my education until this is completely over. It sucks, but I rather be sure that I'm healed before continuing school.

Looks Like Clear Skies

Today there seems to be a lot of things going right for me. This is a blessing for once, cause things don't go bad, but they don't particularly go swell either. Life is a lot of hits and misses, more misses than hits. The few good hits that come I am not going to complain about though. Some people would get a great opportunity and then complain about how long it took to get there. Who cares? Its finally here. Ungratefuls.

I didn't wake up expecting anything great. Today was just a normal day of heading to the clinic to check my blood count. I had some plans for later in the day, my bed was finally coming in! I could finally sleep in my own room. I love my mother and she's not a bad sleeper, but I'm far too old to be sleeping with my mother and I have my own space now, its too cramped sharing it with her. We were together all the time last year when we had no place and were staying at the Ronald McDonald house, so I guess now that's why I really treasure my own space.

I had a lot of me moments today. The older brother had to get his own life situations settled today so I had no one to go with me to the clinic like I usually do. Also no one to drive me there either. First time experience driving to my own appointment, even the parking attendant noticed. I didn't realized I had a recognizable face. I guess after seeing my face for a year, she pretty much can pick it out in a crowd by now. It's amazing how there are some people who can't remember people's faces. It's the first thing I remember. I may not remember your name, but I definitely will remember seeing you somewhere. Especially if I've seen you more than once. I'm horrible with names. Figures, since my own people can't seem to get right. I don't know if its a spelling or pronunciation problem, but I personally think I spell my name the way that it's written. With a bit of a Spanish flare to it.

The doctor's visit went fine. I really wished someone else was there, just because I feel like I would have forgotten something the doctor would say and then screw myself over. I think I got everything, I wrote it down in my notes on my phone. (Thank you technology!) My biggest concern was making sure the paperwork for me to medically drop my summer course was found, since somehow the exchange of the papers made it disappear. I really hope it doesn't get rid of the one grade I received this summer. That was a well earned A- and I am not going to retake that class again. I can't believe I passed with that grade in the first place, considering I've had brain surgery and had to write a 8 page report for the class. Yeah, no, definitely not going to retake that course. Besides, that's also one less class to take in order to finish my degree. If I can make my time shorter, I will. I really want to get my degree. There's so much that I can do once I have it and my life is on this pause until I get it. It's sort of weird that cancer is only seen as like a pause button on my life and not like something that could end my life and everything that I've been building up for it. Nope. I don't see it like that at all.

Positivity~

My room is ready for action! I almost bought LEGO Lord of the Rings today, just because, but I didn't. 1) I had to get my nephew his birthday present (LEGO Star Wars) and 2) I rather put down for the preorder of Kingdom Hearts Remix 2.5. So excited for that game! Kingdom Hearts is my fandom when it comes to video games, as Harry Potter is my fandom when it comes to books. I love them so much. I will throw it down in either fandom and watch you burn with my knowledge. It's that serious. Judge. I don't care.

I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP!

With my bed finally in its rightful place in my room, I can finally get started on playing Watch Dogs. I've been hearing good things about the game and it better live up to the hype. I need to start working on my vibe for my room now. It needs just a little bit more...me. Heh.

Today was a very good day. Things are getting done and looks like my life is moving on forward, even though there is this bump in the road, I can roll over it. As I was taught when I was learning how to drive, you gotta watch out for the muertos on the road, but keep going.

Positivity is the Key

I feel a bit strange this time around.

I really don't know what to think of what I am going through this time. Is it because I have already gone through this before? Have I become immune to the chaotic life that comes with being a cancer patient? Maybe. A year could do that to a person.

I just feel like whatever. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. (Literally have the T-shirts.)

I guess I was expecting something different. There are some things. I can walk a whole lot better now than I could before which I am so thankful for. I'm not chained to stay in bed, I can actually walk around and act as if I wasn't a cancer patient getting chemo, not like I'm trying to catch something else by walking around a hospital, but this freedom is nice. Also helps that I got the hook up with the nurses. They already know my likes and dislikes and what I'm probably going to choose for how I want to do the treatment, its nice. Not just for me either. It helps them as well. I don't scream, cry, or yell, and I go to sleep and stay asleep every night. It's hard being a pediatric nurse, I feel for them.

Although I love being in pediatrics. The nurses are so kind and they have the Child Life services workers who are EXTREMELY nice people and bend over backwards to try to please all the children in the hospital. It sucks that these kids have to be in the hospital, but its nice that there are services for them to make it easier and they also help the parents which is another good thing. I take advantage of it. They know I'm older, but they let me use the same things as the children. I still feel like a kid at heart so I sometimes ask for board games, but I mainly use the iPad or watch their huge selection of movies. I feel so old when I see 90s movies, but its all good.

The chemo is going good so far. No pain. No nausea. No problem. There is that minor side effect of possible diarrhea, but I'm not having that problem so I say that the chemo is going good. I'm actually more concern for my eyes again. For those that don't remember, the brain tumor removal surgery left my eyes messed up. The left one turned in and then the right one followed suit a month later. I've had eye muscle surgery to both eyes, but now the left is starting to turn in once more. If I scrunch up my face or if the object is close, I can see regularly (singular) but otherwise I'm starting to see double again. Problem.

This regime of chemo I have a week of outpatient appointments, all of which are a day right after another, so I can't really be driving if my eyes are turned in. This is why I am more concerned with my eyes. Chemo is no biggie, its the other factors of my body that I take more concern with. My legs are still weak and I still have no balance so I'm basically still handicapped and that concerns me more than the cancer to be honest. I know there isn't much I can do with cancer besides hope it goes away, so that's probably why I don't concern myself with it too much. The doctors know more of what to do than I could ever imagine so I'm letting all the responsibility go to them. That's all I can do. Cancer is not a participatory disease that you can help out with. You just got to roll with the punches, and believe me there is a lot.

This is why I thank the Lord that I have the support that I do. Friends and family have all told me of their support and love and that's the best thing that I have to fight this cancer. If there was one thing I wasn't expecting when I received the news that I had cancer, it was all the support that I would obtain from my family and friends. It's not like I thought I had bad friends or anything like that, I just didn't realize how important I was to so many people and it gives me all of the warm and fuzzy feelings in the world.I love my friends to death and I don't regret how I got them. People would say that this is something that makes your true friends come out and all of my friends stepped up. I know I good friends and this is just proof. The people that I considered to be my friends, really are and this is a shit situation to question that, but I'm glad that they past the test. Sorry guys. Just know that I love our friendship and that I will forever be in their debt for all of their help and support. I know I don't say much about it, but I am so thankful to have the support group that I have.

Friends are important. My strength is and comes from my friends. People tell me that I'm strong, but really I feel like when people tell me I'm strong, that I'm strong. There's only so much, a person can do on their own. People are naturally social beings and we thrive in group settings, there is no "I" in team. So I want to say "Thank you". To all of my supporters, you guys are the best and don't ever change!

This ending is so lame, but I'm being honest here!

ALL OF THE WARM FUZZY FEELINGS!

I guess that's why this time feels different from the last. We're sort of all on the same page and it's not a punch in the face like the last time. We've been through this before, we know what to expect and we all are going to get through this. This time cancer is going to have no way of getting back.

Even though I am in a good mood, I know I am not in my ideal situation. This was not in my plans at all. When I was high school, no one said that the reason I wouldn't be finishing my school was not because of financial reasons, or even the fact that college would be too hard for me, but because of a disease (a CHILDHOOD) disease would put its big foot in the way of my dreams. Wish I had the forewarning. If everything had went the way it was planned to go down, I would be the first in my family to have a BA degree. That's pretty big. Still pretty big since I'm still on that path. I'm not going to give up on my dreams, I know that one day I will make the come true.

I can't forget my dreams. That would be too costly for me to let go. There are the only things I have to really strive for and without them, I honestly don't know what I would do, who I would even be?

That's why I don't get the people that are out there just doing nothing. Absolutely nothing is being done in their lives and they are OK with that. I can't. I don't see the point of it. What fun are they having? It's all party and games and I'm not saying that there is something wrong with those things. I party, I play games, I do the same thing, but in the end what are you going to do? There's a moment in life where you do settle down for what is destined for you, but you got to make the right choices to get there. I can't just sit around waiting for life. Life is out there and it's not going to wait for you, it's going to bite you in the ass and get you moving, and that won't necessarily be a in a good direction either.

Cancer has taught me that. Shit doesn't happen the way that you want to happen. Life has choices and you must choose whether you are going to let things go by or do something. I fall in the latter range. I already have my list. Somehow, some way that list is going to get done before I die (which is not happening anytime soon) and I'm going to be a old happy camper.

I'm ending this post on a good note. I'm in a good mood, (probably because I'm leaving the hospital today) and honestly I don't know what to write about today.

:)

Its Back

I'm still in shock.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I thought this was done. I thought I was making progress.

I don't know what I thought....

The cancer is back again. This time in my spinal cord. No chance of surgery there. I have maxed out on my radiation input so at least I don't have to go through that again.

I can't even process what is going on.

I literally was worrying over my classes and how I was missing a week and how this was going to affect my grades, only to now not even care.I went from missing a week to missing the rest of the summer in 5 hours flat.

Its ridiculous.

What should I even think?

Yay I got one class done before having to go back to treatment. The small help that does to me finishing my school year.

Oh my god! I really can't believe I am going through this right now!

Did I bring this upon myself?

Was I too positive? Nah. I'm always positive. I don't know. There has to be something.

Will it be easier?

Can I really get through this again?

I won't be alone. I never was alone.

And yet...

This time won't be the same.

I can promise you that.

This fucker is going to be done with when this is all over with and I know that whatever I have plan for the future is going to happen cause it's a motherfucking fact. Ain't nothing gonna stop me from achieving my dreams. If this is suppose to encourage me, to make me stronger, to show my strength then lets go. I'm tired of being Ms. hNice Guy anyways.Get ready motherfucker because you gon' die tonight.  Fuck you Cancer

Fuck. You.

Beaten But Never Broken (raw/unedited)

I haven't written in a while. That's never any good. Especially for people like me that have way too much in their heads, full to the brim with thoughts, ideas, and hope.

Hope. Such a fickle thing.

It can light a fire in one's soul and squeeze the strength out of it the next. Hope is not something to mess around with. False hope is the worst. There's nothing as painful as it, because as human beings, we put so much of our faith in hope. Hope is a double-edge sword.

The world is full of people hoping and people who try to give hope. They try their best but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hope is a dream and sometimes the dreams don't come true. For if they did, than you must believe that all dreams come true and some of those dreams are quite nasty. We all have them, the dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night, gasping or even fighting to be free from the holdings of the dream. Those no one want to become true, but they are for some. The few who are going through a hellish nightmare within life know of this. This world is cruel.

But alas, there is one thing that helps us through. Something that we should never forget.

Faith.

Have faith. Don't have faith in dreams and hope, have faith in yourselves. You don't have to be religious to have faith. Its a basic thing we humans can achieve. Faith is very simple because there is really only one thing that you must always have faith in besides all else.

Yourself.

You. You are the one that is living in this world. You are the one that is going through the struggle of life. You are the one that take their faith to new heights, because you know what you are capable of and its what your believe of yourself that is going to help or harm you during times of struggle.

This may sound strange coming from me. Those that know me, know that I am not religious. However, I have always and still do, believe in God. That is as far as religious that I go. I don't need to lay my claim of my belief for everyone to see. The only one who it matters for is Him. He knows how much I believe in him. I don't need someone else to tell me what or how I should believe. People who are secure with their beliefs don't need to push themselves onto others.

I know that God made me into a strong person. I have faith in that thought and because I believe it to be true, I know that it is. My faith in myself is what keeps me from giving up. My dreams torment me and in a position like mine, it's hard not to dream. The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say and this hill is a bitch.

I try not to dream.

Dreams that fester in the mind always exceed reality and that's when hope starts to stir in your heart. Hope kills. Don't believe me? Ever wanted something so bad that when it doesn't comes it's like a knife is going through your heart and the age old question is always asked:

Why?

Why? Why do I hope and it does not happen? Why must I go through this? Why is this happening?

It's never good to ask. You won't get an answer, only a fact of life.

Life is shit and shit happens.

So, one must not ask why, they should take the shit and throw it right back in Life's face. People who believe in themselves can accomplish this. Those people who have "success'" in life and started from the very bottom of the barrel. Its not easy and it takes time, but you have to rely on yourself to make anything happen. You can hope for this or you can hope for that, but its when you believe in it, know that deep down inside you're not wishing for it. You already know that it is yours and you are going to do anything to make sure it stays that way.

That's where I find myself today. My last cycle of chemo has been delayed a week. I can't begin because the previous cycle of chemo have left my platelets in a shit state and they don't want to rise higher any time soon. So much I dreamed for has been wiped out of the picture at this stage. It was very hard to deal with the pain with knowing my hopes were to not become true.

It took me a while to be back to myself again. The sadness within me was quite strong. It felt as if the finish line was a step away, but every time I took a step forward it would retract, further and further away. Hope made think this way. Of the possibilities that come with the completion of things, but those will have to wait.

I know now that I have to stop dreaming of the end and actually believe that this is the end. Just like I'd always believed that I never had cancer after my surgery. It's out and it's not coming back. When this is done, I will wipe my hands clean of this and move on. This is what faith and belief in myself have helped to achieve.My last day of treatment will be the last of this part of my life that I have had to endure. It will shape my personality and soul a bit different, but I know that I will never go through this again. With faith and belief I fight and I will come out the victor.

I had cancer, but cancer never had me.