I haven't written in a while. That's never any good. Especially for people like me that have way too much in their heads, full to the brim with thoughts, ideas, and hope.
Hope. Such a fickle thing.
It can light a fire in one's soul and squeeze the strength out of it the next. Hope is not something to mess around with. False hope is the worst. There's nothing as painful as it, because as human beings, we put so much of our faith in hope. Hope is a double-edge sword.
The world is full of people hoping and people who try to give hope. They try their best but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hope is a dream and sometimes the dreams don't come true. For if they did, than you must believe that all dreams come true and some of those dreams are quite nasty. We all have them, the dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night, gasping or even fighting to be free from the holdings of the dream. Those no one want to become true, but they are for some. The few who are going through a hellish nightmare within life know of this. This world is cruel.
But alas, there is one thing that helps us through. Something that we should never forget.
Faith.
Have faith. Don't have faith in dreams and hope, have faith in yourselves. You don't have to be religious to have faith. Its a basic thing we humans can achieve. Faith is very simple because there is really only one thing that you must always have faith in besides all else.
Yourself.
You. You are the one that is living in this world. You are the one that is going through the struggle of life. You are the one that take their faith to new heights, because you know what you are capable of and its what your believe of yourself that is going to help or harm you during times of struggle.
This may sound strange coming from me. Those that know me, know that I am not religious. However, I have always and still do, believe in God. That is as far as religious that I go. I don't need to lay my claim of my belief for everyone to see. The only one who it matters for is Him. He knows how much I believe in him. I don't need someone else to tell me what or how I should believe. People who are secure with their beliefs don't need to push themselves onto others.
I know that God made me into a strong person. I have faith in that thought and because I believe it to be true, I know that it is. My faith in myself is what keeps me from giving up. My dreams torment me and in a position like mine, it's hard not to dream. The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say and this hill is a bitch.
I try not to dream.
Dreams that fester in the mind always exceed reality and that's when hope starts to stir in your heart. Hope kills. Don't believe me? Ever wanted something so bad that when it doesn't comes it's like a knife is going through your heart and the age old question is always asked:
Why?
Why? Why do I hope and it does not happen? Why must I go through this? Why is this happening?
It's never good to ask. You won't get an answer, only a fact of life.
Life is shit and shit happens.
So, one must not ask why, they should take the shit and throw it right back in Life's face. People who believe in themselves can accomplish this. Those people who have "success'" in life and started from the very bottom of the barrel. Its not easy and it takes time, but you have to rely on yourself to make anything happen. You can hope for this or you can hope for that, but its when you believe in it, know that deep down inside you're not wishing for it. You already know that it is yours and you are going to do anything to make sure it stays that way.
That's where I find myself today. My last cycle of chemo has been delayed a week. I can't begin because the previous cycle of chemo have left my platelets in a shit state and they don't want to rise higher any time soon. So much I dreamed for has been wiped out of the picture at this stage. It was very hard to deal with the pain with knowing my hopes were to not become true.
It took me a while to be back to myself again. The sadness within me was quite strong. It felt as if the finish line was a step away, but every time I took a step forward it would retract, further and further away. Hope made think this way. Of the possibilities that come with the completion of things, but those will have to wait.
I know now that I have to stop dreaming of the end and actually believe that this is the end. Just like I'd always believed that I never had cancer after my surgery. It's out and it's not coming back. When this is done, I will wipe my hands clean of this and move on. This is what faith and belief in myself have helped to achieve.My last day of treatment will be the last of this part of my life that I have had to endure. It will shape my personality and soul a bit different, but I know that I will never go through this again. With faith and belief I fight and I will come out the victor.
I had cancer, but cancer never had me.
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