Positivity is the Key

I feel a bit strange this time around.

I really don't know what to think of what I am going through this time. Is it because I have already gone through this before? Have I become immune to the chaotic life that comes with being a cancer patient? Maybe. A year could do that to a person.

I just feel like whatever. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. (Literally have the T-shirts.)

I guess I was expecting something different. There are some things. I can walk a whole lot better now than I could before which I am so thankful for. I'm not chained to stay in bed, I can actually walk around and act as if I wasn't a cancer patient getting chemo, not like I'm trying to catch something else by walking around a hospital, but this freedom is nice. Also helps that I got the hook up with the nurses. They already know my likes and dislikes and what I'm probably going to choose for how I want to do the treatment, its nice. Not just for me either. It helps them as well. I don't scream, cry, or yell, and I go to sleep and stay asleep every night. It's hard being a pediatric nurse, I feel for them.

Although I love being in pediatrics. The nurses are so kind and they have the Child Life services workers who are EXTREMELY nice people and bend over backwards to try to please all the children in the hospital. It sucks that these kids have to be in the hospital, but its nice that there are services for them to make it easier and they also help the parents which is another good thing. I take advantage of it. They know I'm older, but they let me use the same things as the children. I still feel like a kid at heart so I sometimes ask for board games, but I mainly use the iPad or watch their huge selection of movies. I feel so old when I see 90s movies, but its all good.

The chemo is going good so far. No pain. No nausea. No problem. There is that minor side effect of possible diarrhea, but I'm not having that problem so I say that the chemo is going good. I'm actually more concern for my eyes again. For those that don't remember, the brain tumor removal surgery left my eyes messed up. The left one turned in and then the right one followed suit a month later. I've had eye muscle surgery to both eyes, but now the left is starting to turn in once more. If I scrunch up my face or if the object is close, I can see regularly (singular) but otherwise I'm starting to see double again. Problem.

This regime of chemo I have a week of outpatient appointments, all of which are a day right after another, so I can't really be driving if my eyes are turned in. This is why I am more concerned with my eyes. Chemo is no biggie, its the other factors of my body that I take more concern with. My legs are still weak and I still have no balance so I'm basically still handicapped and that concerns me more than the cancer to be honest. I know there isn't much I can do with cancer besides hope it goes away, so that's probably why I don't concern myself with it too much. The doctors know more of what to do than I could ever imagine so I'm letting all the responsibility go to them. That's all I can do. Cancer is not a participatory disease that you can help out with. You just got to roll with the punches, and believe me there is a lot.

This is why I thank the Lord that I have the support that I do. Friends and family have all told me of their support and love and that's the best thing that I have to fight this cancer. If there was one thing I wasn't expecting when I received the news that I had cancer, it was all the support that I would obtain from my family and friends. It's not like I thought I had bad friends or anything like that, I just didn't realize how important I was to so many people and it gives me all of the warm and fuzzy feelings in the world.I love my friends to death and I don't regret how I got them. People would say that this is something that makes your true friends come out and all of my friends stepped up. I know I good friends and this is just proof. The people that I considered to be my friends, really are and this is a shit situation to question that, but I'm glad that they past the test. Sorry guys. Just know that I love our friendship and that I will forever be in their debt for all of their help and support. I know I don't say much about it, but I am so thankful to have the support group that I have.

Friends are important. My strength is and comes from my friends. People tell me that I'm strong, but really I feel like when people tell me I'm strong, that I'm strong. There's only so much, a person can do on their own. People are naturally social beings and we thrive in group settings, there is no "I" in team. So I want to say "Thank you". To all of my supporters, you guys are the best and don't ever change!

This ending is so lame, but I'm being honest here!

ALL OF THE WARM FUZZY FEELINGS!

I guess that's why this time feels different from the last. We're sort of all on the same page and it's not a punch in the face like the last time. We've been through this before, we know what to expect and we all are going to get through this. This time cancer is going to have no way of getting back.

Even though I am in a good mood, I know I am not in my ideal situation. This was not in my plans at all. When I was high school, no one said that the reason I wouldn't be finishing my school was not because of financial reasons, or even the fact that college would be too hard for me, but because of a disease (a CHILDHOOD) disease would put its big foot in the way of my dreams. Wish I had the forewarning. If everything had went the way it was planned to go down, I would be the first in my family to have a BA degree. That's pretty big. Still pretty big since I'm still on that path. I'm not going to give up on my dreams, I know that one day I will make the come true.

I can't forget my dreams. That would be too costly for me to let go. There are the only things I have to really strive for and without them, I honestly don't know what I would do, who I would even be?

That's why I don't get the people that are out there just doing nothing. Absolutely nothing is being done in their lives and they are OK with that. I can't. I don't see the point of it. What fun are they having? It's all party and games and I'm not saying that there is something wrong with those things. I party, I play games, I do the same thing, but in the end what are you going to do? There's a moment in life where you do settle down for what is destined for you, but you got to make the right choices to get there. I can't just sit around waiting for life. Life is out there and it's not going to wait for you, it's going to bite you in the ass and get you moving, and that won't necessarily be a in a good direction either.

Cancer has taught me that. Shit doesn't happen the way that you want to happen. Life has choices and you must choose whether you are going to let things go by or do something. I fall in the latter range. I already have my list. Somehow, some way that list is going to get done before I die (which is not happening anytime soon) and I'm going to be a old happy camper.

I'm ending this post on a good note. I'm in a good mood, (probably because I'm leaving the hospital today) and honestly I don't know what to write about today.

:)