I really didn't know what to think of it and so I didn't. I just felt so tired all the time. Every time they tried to make me walk, I hated it. My brain wasn't settled yet from the surgery so it hurt every time I moved from laying down to standing up. It felt like my neck wouldn't want to hold my head up sometimes. Especially when I still had the drainage connected. With the drainage there was a lot of tubes and a bag full of the spinal fluid attached to my head. It felt like an extra five pounds sitting up with that thing.
I honestly can say that being in that hospital at that time was probably the worst I have ever felt in my life. I think I tried to get up and get away, they stopped me of course, and I realized I was still in the hospital, but in my mind I felt like I was in some strange room where I wasn't supposed to be and it was not in the hospital but in my nurse's house. Strange, huh. But imagine that was your reality half the time that you weren't awake and it changed constantly. I'm surprised now that I could even answer their questions right when they were trying to check on my memory after operation.
Because, for those who don't really know much about surgeries, there's always a risk to every surgery, but brain surgery is the worst. Your brain controls the body so when you fuck with it, dangerous things can happen. So that some of you can understand why my doctors are very proud of me, I will tell you some of the possible effects of having brain surgery.
I will probably: not being able to talk, not being able to walk, not be able to remember to write, not be able to read, not be able to coordinate my hands, and finally I might just die from the surgery.
Jesus.
This is what they told my mother while I was "asleep" before the surgery took place. How can they say that?! I know they are trying to prepare her for the worst, but no mother wants to hear that their baby might end up like a baby again or worse just die! Doctors are so fucking cruel! I could never be a doctor. I couldn't put down hope like that. I care too much and those situations are the worst to be in.
The last three days were full of my doctor and therapist arguing over whether I was ready to leave the hospital. I had lost balance in my legs and so my therapist wanted me to walk a little bit better before sending me out into the world, but she also wanted me to enter the rehab center in Gainesville nearby instead of just discharging me to my house. My doctor didn't think I needed rehab, for whatever reason and I was discharge to go home. For this all I remember was that I had an appointment with an oncologist in Orlando for my chemo and radiation and that I slept the whole way home. Gainesville is only two hours away from my home so it wasn't a long trip but I just felt so exhausted.
Now, while I was in Tallahassee getting my degree at FSU, my mother (and indirectly so did I) had a lot of financial issues. She had gotten into a motorcycle accident and she couldn't work for about two months. This fucked shit up for her financial needs. It ended up with her having to be her friend's roommate while she saved up money to get her own place eventually. Now, admittedly, I probably didn't help with that endeavor since I still rely on my mother even though I live on my own in Tallahassee and I would always ask her for money and help with my own financial needs.
So when I returned "home", I returned to my mother's room at her friends place. Now for my mother this situation is helping her out, but for me, this situation is not the greatest. My mother just had a room and in order to not bother her roommate and his girlfriend, I didn't leave the room at all. Not that I had the energy to do so.
Even though I was back home I didn't really have the comforts of home at hand. But until my mother could find another place this is what we had.
This was gonna be tough.
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