Every Damn Day

I know I don't update as often as I should, (more how people would like), but the problem lies in the simple fact that not much really goes on in my life. Maybe if I was back in school, I would probably be a little bit busier with college life and all of its spoils, but honestly when you come back home there isn't much to do.




I'm too used to my life in college. I miss it so much. Life back home is simply day to day, a bit boring if you ask me. The most exciting moment in my life is when someone has a birthday. People tend to actually want to do something other than work. If not for the daily cycle of life, I would be a lot more bored than I am.




Oh sure, I love seeing my family and I do (impossible though it is) enjoy hanging out with my (annoying) nephews, but it becomes pretty mundane really quick when it's all I can do. I'm limited by my many disabilities. Granted, I have it a lot better than some other cancer patients that I have seen around, but it's the small things that I have lost that really hit home.




Balance and strength are barely noticed by folks. The only people that really notice it are toddlers when they first begin to walk and move about. I literally feel the same way as a toddler. I can barely walk without some support, I have to someone always around me, just in case I happen to fall or get into something that I can't handle with my own strength, and I'm forced to eat things that are "good" for me even though I don't like it.




I'm 22, feels like I'm 2.




This seems to be something that a lot of people tend to forget when they take care of me. I understand and definitely know I need the help, but I'm an adult so treat me like one. I would rather be treated the same way you treat your frail grandma than your 2 year old child. Like, come on. I know I look fifteen but, I also have to deal with the fact that I am still in pediatrics, so relax. The nurses in Peds treat me as an adult, you can too. If anything, they're the ones that constantly remind that I'm an adult with the whole, "I need your parent's signature, oh wait, you can sign!" Ugh, my life.




It doesn't help that my brother is getting married and will become a stepfather to two teenaged girls, who happen to be either at my height at 11 and taller than me at 15. I got the short end of this stick, badump. My life is a big joke.



Although sometimes its not so bad getting treated like a kid. You get free stuff at the hospital all the time and the Child Life Service volunteers are always really nice, even though I can tell they are a bit shock when they come to my room and see on my chart that I'm not the fifteen year old they thought I was. It passes quickly and soon I'm getting all of the treats that the kids get: movies, iPad, board games, etc. It makes taking chemo go a lot quicker, as an alternative to just sleeping the whole time. I admit, I much rather get a stick to my finger like a diabetic, rather than a needle when it comes to getting my blood check. I've have enough needles so far.




With the problems I have with my eyes, it makes it hard for me to be able to drive and so I'm stuck being driven around. I know sometimes it's nice to not have to drive around, but eventually it gets on your nerves when you want to go somewhere, but you're limited to the availability of whoever can take you's schedule. Independence is non-existent in my life. I think toddlers have more independence than I do. When I was able to take the Lynx disability bus, it helped a lot, especially when it came to attending my appointments, but eventually it became an annoyance than helpful because it would arrive late to my house or even worse late to my appointment. Another problem with it, was the fact that it would have a route and sometimes my stops weren't the next ones to go to and I would end up on the bus for about an hour before returning home. How I longer for the ability to drive again. Eventually I had surgery done to my eyes and for one week I was able to drive myself around.




I had never felt more free.




But my left eye decided that it didn't like being straight and started turning in again. It didn't become as bad as it was before I had eye surgery, but it was enough of a tilt that it made it difficult to not see double even with the prism stickers that would try to fix my sight. I am due for one more surgery to the left eye to hopefully make it straight again, but no details are coming in besides the fact that they won't take my primary insurance. I know I'm trying to wait patiently cause it has before when I get too excited for something to go right for me and something wrong always happens. Life just has to spite me. So I'm waiting, patiently, my potential freedom can take its time, cause I don't want to lose it again. I want my eye to be fixed forever not temporary. Everything that is being affected needs to be permantly fixed, ain't nobody got time for this temporary shit.




When my ability to drive comes back to me, then I can say that I have beaten cancer. It seems so silly to base my progress on such a thing, but driving to me has always been a type of freedom/independence for me. I was late with getting my license in high school and super late when it came to owning my first car. I didn't get my car until my second semester in college. That dependence of relying on others to get my own things done was always a problem for me as I grew up. Especially for private things, I found it uncomfortable whenever I had to do things such as checking my bank account or even do groceries. Plus, public transportation can be a bit strange, not going to say anything bad about it cause it takes me where I need to go, but strange folks go on public transportation and they make the whole experience strange, I like the privacy of having my own car and ability to go wherever I want a lot more.




So I'll keep the hope and pray that everything works well and that I don't have to redo this experience again. I feel that I'm doing pretty well for having to go through this experience another time, but its scary not being able to stop the thought of this possibly reoccurring another time late in life. I have faith in my doctors and even though I wish to end treatment in time to go back and finish my degree this Spring, I feel that this will take another year and I will have to postpone my education until this is completely over. It sucks, but I rather be sure that I'm healed before continuing school.